Thank you so much for all your amazing questions! I will be honest in saying that I was a bit nervous to do my first Ask Me Anything solely for paid subscribers as I didn't know if I would get enough questions or whether I don't have enough paid subscribers but this has just shown me that it always pays off to listen to your intuition and I hope to add more and more to the paid subscription as it grows! :) M xx
Do you have any advice for accepting chronic illness as just a part of your life? Fatigue is really limiting and I’m finding it hard to not be angry. Spent the first 3 years after diagnosis fighting for treatment and now I’m at the point where I just want to find balance but don’t know where to start. (Therapy would be ideal but I can’t afford it)
First of all, let yourself be angry! You have every right to be angry and I truly believe if I had given myself permission to have that anger and to express it, I wouldn't have had PTSD. So punch a pillow or if your ability is limited even just screaming to loud angry music helps! Then the next thing I did is to continue to let yourself have all your feelings, whether it's sadness or loneliness when you feel like you are missing out. After all that, and only after, I actually started recognising what I could do. When I was hospitalised at 19, and my ability was even more limited than usual, I found myself wishing for the limited mobility I had before. I realised that I was so focused on what my body couldn't do, I didn't realise what it could and it's that cliche of it had to get worse, and for me to lose more to realise what I had so when more of my mobility returned after that hospitalisation, I made a promise to myself to always remember what I COULD do, not just what I couldn't. I know you are a long time follower, so you probably have already seen this, but I say this best in my TedX talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d88uXMWSVfU&ab_channel=TEDxTalks . I had a really bad health year last year, and it made me realise that it forced me to slow down and that was such a good thing. One day, I remember thinking 'wow how many people must get to their end of their life and never slow down and appreciate the day to day small things' and I realised I had a natural moment of gratitude for living a slower life. One of the main reasons we feel bad for not doing as much as others is because we live in a capitalist society that tells us we should be doing the most but the reality is doing the most very rarely brought me joy. Hope that helps! Give yourself time and patience to adjust to your newfound balance :)
My work keeps me traveling all the time so meeting new people is near-impossible but I would love a solid group of friends outside of work. (Work in touring theatre so you're with people 24/7 and they become family but they're quick intense relationships that usually fade quickly once you move to the next show). Any tips for making friends as an adult when you can't join a club?
One of the best ways I have found to find friends is actually social media. I follow the principle of 'people rarely say hi but they'll often say hi back' and most of my friendships began in adulthood post-university with a DM asking if they would like to go for coffee. I also find that if you do go to events or parties, make an effort to talk to new people and different people and if you are getting on to actually follow up with contact details and ask for their number or instagram. It's those vulnerable moments that really add up. I found a new friend this year who we crossed paths many times but never actually went for a meal and then he asked me if I wanted to have lunch and it felt like the leap between just acquaintances to actually friends. I would also say that since you are travelling, do not underestimate the power of FaceTime for staying in touch. A friend and I had plans last night but we were both so tired so we decided instead to both stay in our own homes, avoid the journey and just FaceTime. It ended up lasting four hours so it was as if we spent the evening together anyway! Other ways I have made friendships in adulthood is actually asking my friends if they could introduce me to their friends. I did this when I was in Hong Kong and knew no one. I had one friend who lived in Australia and we would only cross paths in Hong Kong for one day so I asked if she could introduce me to anyone on that one day so I had company for the month I was there and those friends ended up moving to London a decade later! Hope that helps :) xx
Start small and embrace every tiny win. When people go to break a bad habit, they tend to take an all-or-nothing approach. They see it as a fail, if they don't do it perfectly and that's when they give up. It creates a pass/fail mechanism in your brain. Instead if you praise the small wins, or even being able to last a few days without doing the bad habit, then you will focus on the good. Focus on improving by 10% instead of expecting overnight change. Another thing that helps is make the bad habit harder to do so if it's checking social media when trying to sleep for example, put your phone in another room, set time limits on social media. Make it easier for you to not do the habit, and harder for you to do it. When you lose inspiration, remind yourself of your 'why'. Write a list and keep it accessible like the notes section of your phone of all the reasons why this habit is no longer benefitting your life :) M xx
I’m slowly making progress towards setting boundaries with my family. One point I keep on getting stuck in, is where relatives ask for personal information that I’m unwilling to share. My default response has been ‘it’s not your business’/‘it concerns me, not you’, which has prompted family to describe me as unkind/ungrateful.
How do I make them understand I’m not saying any of this to be bratty, but instead it is a belief that means a lot to me?
And if I can’t make them understand this, how do I move on from feeling the need to do so? Thanks a lot!
This is not going to be the answer you want to hear but they are allowed to think you are bratty, unkind and ungrateful. You have to let them think that. You cannot change people's minds and I want you to see it as you losing your people-pleasing side. You know how people always tell you to 'not care what people think' and I always think, 'easier said than done', well this is you doing it! Every time someone calls you a name like unkind or ungrateful, I want you to see a piece of your people pleasing side floating away. They are only name calling because they are not getting their way and they are finding it frustrating to not be able to manipulate you. Think about it this way, if someone cared what they thought, calling them unkind, would make them change their mind and cross their boundaries because their own boundaries are less important than what that person thinks of them. Also you aren't unkind, you are actually choosing to be kind to yourself over being kind to them and the insult 'ungrateful' doesn't even make sense, ungrateful for what? Their nosiness? I wouldn't be grateful for that either! I also think the word 'bratty' is quite gendered. An adult man would never be called bratty. The definition of bratty is spoiled or to misbehave. How is this being spoilt or misbehaving. As humans, it's intrinsic in us to want our family (and particularly our parent's) approval but as adults we must realise that we own our choices and we don't need anyone to agree! Hope that helps! M xx
I've always wanted to write a novel but I can't get rid of limiting belief that I don't have any unique ideas to write about and my novel would not be award-worthy. How do I stop getting in my own way?
One of my favourite quotes that has helped me not only write my books but create content is 'there is no such thing as an original thought'. Proof of it is that there were four boundary books that came out in the same month of The Joy of Being Selfish and yet TJOBS still sold incredible well because some people are helped by the way I say things and you will yourself have experiences of being told the same thing over and over again and then someone says something in a particular way and it finally clicks. You don't have to have a unique idea! You just have to share your idea in YOUR way and that will be inherently unique because no one speaks or writes like you do. Also why would your novel have to be award worthy? I am on my fourth book with no award in sight, see the reward as each person who reads your book and enjoy it. Ultimately though, none of these are problems until your book exists. Currently it doesn't so these are not problems in your life. Just get the words down on a page, you can't edit a page that doesn't exist and don't try to edit it until the book is completely finished. Every author's first draft is rubbish. The job of being an author is persisting and getting it down on the page anyway. Once it's down on the page, that's when you make it good!
Balance after boundary setting! Tips for when setting a boundary means the relationship won’t get closer, but you still want them (or it’s not feasible to eliminate them) from your life. How to hold that boundary, whilst navigating other parts of the relationship.
(For my personal context):Finally set boundaries with mom about not being able to connect/be closer (mom wants deep conversations & to heal our relationship. However, when we have tried in the past, she gaslights, gets defensive, and makes everything about her. Unfortunately, she’s just not capable of the self reflection and communication needed to move forward.
My final boundary was telling her that I’m not willing to have these conversations anymore unless she gives Therapy a try. She told me she would never try it. She constantly tries to connect with me in other ways, and I am just not interested. However, it’s still my mom, I still love her, and it’s not feasible to cut her completely out of my life.
Boundaries with family after lots of childhood trauma is TOUGH.
It absolutely is! Your relationships with your family are your most inbuilt ones and therefore trying to change the dynamic is hard, especially when one person is resistant to change, but it can happen. The key to your specific situation is acceptance. You need to accept that your mum is not going to change and you need to grieve the loss of the mum you wish you had, the closeness you wish you had and the grieve the conversations you wish you were able to have with her. You can do this with your inner child too, imagine your child at whatever age you felt the most hurt and have that conversation with your mum out loud imagining your mum, your inner child and the current you as the parental figure to your inner child. You can let your inner child say the things she needs to say and sometimes it will be appropriate to ask your inner child to go outside and play so that you as an adult can tell your mum what you wish an adult would have said on your behalf. As much as it isn't possible to cut her out of your life, what I have found is taking a break with no contact for a period of time is a great way to create a new dynamic and show the other person that you are serious about your boundaries and as painful as it is, it becomes a restart of the friendship because the other person realises they will lose you if the dynamic doesn't change. I also have given that boundary, the person did not go to therapy and so we didn't speak for a year. I set very basic boundaries that I will not stay in conversations where I am being criticised, yelled at or sworn at and they couldn't keep that. After a year, they reached out and none of these things happen now and it broke this endless pattern that seemed to have previously. This does not have to be your decision but I think it's important to know that it is an option. An increase in distance also works well and you can say 'We are more distanced as I need to be able to have conversations where I feel understood and heard." You've got this!
Do you have any tips for building personal resilience? I find that some things can take me a while to bounce back from and I’d like to be able to move on quicker.
The irony of bouncing back quicker, is that you will bounce back faster if you give yourself permission to feel everything to 100% when it happens. A lot of resistance to actually letting go is the emotions that get stuck along the way. When we resist it by telling ourselves we should be moving in, that's when we compound the emotions we already have because we don't give ourselves the time that we deserve. Let yourself feel all the emotions and actually going through the emotion means you will be able to get through the other side. I also hesitate around the idea of resilience because I think sometimes in society the idea around resilience is people being unaffected by the world around them and I believe it's part of why society encourages people to be numb so a lot of people who appear as resilient are actually so used to not noticing how they feel that they avoid it and then one day, that's why they will break down because this wealth of emotions will all come out at once in an overwhelming way. The fact is some people feel things deeper than others and that's OK too. M xx
What is your advice for early stages of dating, when the other person declared that they hope for a relationship with you but they actions show that they are not very invested in your relation?
Always listen to their actions and feel free to actually say that to the person - 'I understand you want a relationship and so far, I have found that your actions are not aligning with those words and it's creating confusion. In order to be in a relationship, I need ... to change'. They can hope as much as they like but ultimately if they are not displaying actions that display investment, then it's unlikely the label of a relationship will make you feel any more secure.
Thank you so much for all your amazing questions! I will be honest in saying that I was a bit nervous to do my first Ask Me Anything solely for paid subscribers as I didn't know if I would get enough questions or whether I don't have enough paid subscribers but this has just shown me that it always pays off to listen to your intuition and I hope to add more and more to the paid subscription as it grows! :) M xx
Do you have any advice for accepting chronic illness as just a part of your life? Fatigue is really limiting and I’m finding it hard to not be angry. Spent the first 3 years after diagnosis fighting for treatment and now I’m at the point where I just want to find balance but don’t know where to start. (Therapy would be ideal but I can’t afford it)
First of all, let yourself be angry! You have every right to be angry and I truly believe if I had given myself permission to have that anger and to express it, I wouldn't have had PTSD. So punch a pillow or if your ability is limited even just screaming to loud angry music helps! Then the next thing I did is to continue to let yourself have all your feelings, whether it's sadness or loneliness when you feel like you are missing out. After all that, and only after, I actually started recognising what I could do. When I was hospitalised at 19, and my ability was even more limited than usual, I found myself wishing for the limited mobility I had before. I realised that I was so focused on what my body couldn't do, I didn't realise what it could and it's that cliche of it had to get worse, and for me to lose more to realise what I had so when more of my mobility returned after that hospitalisation, I made a promise to myself to always remember what I COULD do, not just what I couldn't. I know you are a long time follower, so you probably have already seen this, but I say this best in my TedX talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d88uXMWSVfU&ab_channel=TEDxTalks . I had a really bad health year last year, and it made me realise that it forced me to slow down and that was such a good thing. One day, I remember thinking 'wow how many people must get to their end of their life and never slow down and appreciate the day to day small things' and I realised I had a natural moment of gratitude for living a slower life. One of the main reasons we feel bad for not doing as much as others is because we live in a capitalist society that tells us we should be doing the most but the reality is doing the most very rarely brought me joy. Hope that helps! Give yourself time and patience to adjust to your newfound balance :)
M xx
My work keeps me traveling all the time so meeting new people is near-impossible but I would love a solid group of friends outside of work. (Work in touring theatre so you're with people 24/7 and they become family but they're quick intense relationships that usually fade quickly once you move to the next show). Any tips for making friends as an adult when you can't join a club?
One of the best ways I have found to find friends is actually social media. I follow the principle of 'people rarely say hi but they'll often say hi back' and most of my friendships began in adulthood post-university with a DM asking if they would like to go for coffee. I also find that if you do go to events or parties, make an effort to talk to new people and different people and if you are getting on to actually follow up with contact details and ask for their number or instagram. It's those vulnerable moments that really add up. I found a new friend this year who we crossed paths many times but never actually went for a meal and then he asked me if I wanted to have lunch and it felt like the leap between just acquaintances to actually friends. I would also say that since you are travelling, do not underestimate the power of FaceTime for staying in touch. A friend and I had plans last night but we were both so tired so we decided instead to both stay in our own homes, avoid the journey and just FaceTime. It ended up lasting four hours so it was as if we spent the evening together anyway! Other ways I have made friendships in adulthood is actually asking my friends if they could introduce me to their friends. I did this when I was in Hong Kong and knew no one. I had one friend who lived in Australia and we would only cross paths in Hong Kong for one day so I asked if she could introduce me to anyone on that one day so I had company for the month I was there and those friends ended up moving to London a decade later! Hope that helps :) xx
What are your tips for ditching a bad habit?
Start small and embrace every tiny win. When people go to break a bad habit, they tend to take an all-or-nothing approach. They see it as a fail, if they don't do it perfectly and that's when they give up. It creates a pass/fail mechanism in your brain. Instead if you praise the small wins, or even being able to last a few days without doing the bad habit, then you will focus on the good. Focus on improving by 10% instead of expecting overnight change. Another thing that helps is make the bad habit harder to do so if it's checking social media when trying to sleep for example, put your phone in another room, set time limits on social media. Make it easier for you to not do the habit, and harder for you to do it. When you lose inspiration, remind yourself of your 'why'. Write a list and keep it accessible like the notes section of your phone of all the reasons why this habit is no longer benefitting your life :) M xx
I’m slowly making progress towards setting boundaries with my family. One point I keep on getting stuck in, is where relatives ask for personal information that I’m unwilling to share. My default response has been ‘it’s not your business’/‘it concerns me, not you’, which has prompted family to describe me as unkind/ungrateful.
How do I make them understand I’m not saying any of this to be bratty, but instead it is a belief that means a lot to me?
And if I can’t make them understand this, how do I move on from feeling the need to do so? Thanks a lot!
This is not going to be the answer you want to hear but they are allowed to think you are bratty, unkind and ungrateful. You have to let them think that. You cannot change people's minds and I want you to see it as you losing your people-pleasing side. You know how people always tell you to 'not care what people think' and I always think, 'easier said than done', well this is you doing it! Every time someone calls you a name like unkind or ungrateful, I want you to see a piece of your people pleasing side floating away. They are only name calling because they are not getting their way and they are finding it frustrating to not be able to manipulate you. Think about it this way, if someone cared what they thought, calling them unkind, would make them change their mind and cross their boundaries because their own boundaries are less important than what that person thinks of them. Also you aren't unkind, you are actually choosing to be kind to yourself over being kind to them and the insult 'ungrateful' doesn't even make sense, ungrateful for what? Their nosiness? I wouldn't be grateful for that either! I also think the word 'bratty' is quite gendered. An adult man would never be called bratty. The definition of bratty is spoiled or to misbehave. How is this being spoilt or misbehaving. As humans, it's intrinsic in us to want our family (and particularly our parent's) approval but as adults we must realise that we own our choices and we don't need anyone to agree! Hope that helps! M xx
My question was along these lines too! Family boundary setting is TOUGH.
I've always wanted to write a novel but I can't get rid of limiting belief that I don't have any unique ideas to write about and my novel would not be award-worthy. How do I stop getting in my own way?
One of my favourite quotes that has helped me not only write my books but create content is 'there is no such thing as an original thought'. Proof of it is that there were four boundary books that came out in the same month of The Joy of Being Selfish and yet TJOBS still sold incredible well because some people are helped by the way I say things and you will yourself have experiences of being told the same thing over and over again and then someone says something in a particular way and it finally clicks. You don't have to have a unique idea! You just have to share your idea in YOUR way and that will be inherently unique because no one speaks or writes like you do. Also why would your novel have to be award worthy? I am on my fourth book with no award in sight, see the reward as each person who reads your book and enjoy it. Ultimately though, none of these are problems until your book exists. Currently it doesn't so these are not problems in your life. Just get the words down on a page, you can't edit a page that doesn't exist and don't try to edit it until the book is completely finished. Every author's first draft is rubbish. The job of being an author is persisting and getting it down on the page anyway. Once it's down on the page, that's when you make it good!
M xx
Balance after boundary setting! Tips for when setting a boundary means the relationship won’t get closer, but you still want them (or it’s not feasible to eliminate them) from your life. How to hold that boundary, whilst navigating other parts of the relationship.
(For my personal context):Finally set boundaries with mom about not being able to connect/be closer (mom wants deep conversations & to heal our relationship. However, when we have tried in the past, she gaslights, gets defensive, and makes everything about her. Unfortunately, she’s just not capable of the self reflection and communication needed to move forward.
My final boundary was telling her that I’m not willing to have these conversations anymore unless she gives Therapy a try. She told me she would never try it. She constantly tries to connect with me in other ways, and I am just not interested. However, it’s still my mom, I still love her, and it’s not feasible to cut her completely out of my life.
Boundaries with family after lots of childhood trauma is TOUGH.
It absolutely is! Your relationships with your family are your most inbuilt ones and therefore trying to change the dynamic is hard, especially when one person is resistant to change, but it can happen. The key to your specific situation is acceptance. You need to accept that your mum is not going to change and you need to grieve the loss of the mum you wish you had, the closeness you wish you had and the grieve the conversations you wish you were able to have with her. You can do this with your inner child too, imagine your child at whatever age you felt the most hurt and have that conversation with your mum out loud imagining your mum, your inner child and the current you as the parental figure to your inner child. You can let your inner child say the things she needs to say and sometimes it will be appropriate to ask your inner child to go outside and play so that you as an adult can tell your mum what you wish an adult would have said on your behalf. As much as it isn't possible to cut her out of your life, what I have found is taking a break with no contact for a period of time is a great way to create a new dynamic and show the other person that you are serious about your boundaries and as painful as it is, it becomes a restart of the friendship because the other person realises they will lose you if the dynamic doesn't change. I also have given that boundary, the person did not go to therapy and so we didn't speak for a year. I set very basic boundaries that I will not stay in conversations where I am being criticised, yelled at or sworn at and they couldn't keep that. After a year, they reached out and none of these things happen now and it broke this endless pattern that seemed to have previously. This does not have to be your decision but I think it's important to know that it is an option. An increase in distance also works well and you can say 'We are more distanced as I need to be able to have conversations where I feel understood and heard." You've got this!
M xx
Do you have any tips for building personal resilience? I find that some things can take me a while to bounce back from and I’d like to be able to move on quicker.
The irony of bouncing back quicker, is that you will bounce back faster if you give yourself permission to feel everything to 100% when it happens. A lot of resistance to actually letting go is the emotions that get stuck along the way. When we resist it by telling ourselves we should be moving in, that's when we compound the emotions we already have because we don't give ourselves the time that we deserve. Let yourself feel all the emotions and actually going through the emotion means you will be able to get through the other side. I also hesitate around the idea of resilience because I think sometimes in society the idea around resilience is people being unaffected by the world around them and I believe it's part of why society encourages people to be numb so a lot of people who appear as resilient are actually so used to not noticing how they feel that they avoid it and then one day, that's why they will break down because this wealth of emotions will all come out at once in an overwhelming way. The fact is some people feel things deeper than others and that's OK too. M xx
What is your advice for early stages of dating, when the other person declared that they hope for a relationship with you but they actions show that they are not very invested in your relation?
Always listen to their actions and feel free to actually say that to the person - 'I understand you want a relationship and so far, I have found that your actions are not aligning with those words and it's creating confusion. In order to be in a relationship, I need ... to change'. They can hope as much as they like but ultimately if they are not displaying actions that display investment, then it's unlikely the label of a relationship will make you feel any more secure.
M xx