Balance after boundary setting! Tips for when setting a boundary means the relationship won’t get closer, but you still want them (or it’s not feasible to eliminate them) from your life. How to hold that boundary, whilst navigating other parts of the relationship.
(For my personal context):Finally set boundaries with mom about not being a…
Balance after boundary setting! Tips for when setting a boundary means the relationship won’t get closer, but you still want them (or it’s not feasible to eliminate them) from your life. How to hold that boundary, whilst navigating other parts of the relationship.
(For my personal context):Finally set boundaries with mom about not being able to connect/be closer (mom wants deep conversations & to heal our relationship. However, when we have tried in the past, she gaslights, gets defensive, and makes everything about her. Unfortunately, she’s just not capable of the self reflection and communication needed to move forward.
My final boundary was telling her that I’m not willing to have these conversations anymore unless she gives Therapy a try. She told me she would never try it. She constantly tries to connect with me in other ways, and I am just not interested. However, it’s still my mom, I still love her, and it’s not feasible to cut her completely out of my life.
Boundaries with family after lots of childhood trauma is TOUGH.
It absolutely is! Your relationships with your family are your most inbuilt ones and therefore trying to change the dynamic is hard, especially when one person is resistant to change, but it can happen. The key to your specific situation is acceptance. You need to accept that your mum is not going to change and you need to grieve the loss of the mum you wish you had, the closeness you wish you had and the grieve the conversations you wish you were able to have with her. You can do this with your inner child too, imagine your child at whatever age you felt the most hurt and have that conversation with your mum out loud imagining your mum, your inner child and the current you as the parental figure to your inner child. You can let your inner child say the things she needs to say and sometimes it will be appropriate to ask your inner child to go outside and play so that you as an adult can tell your mum what you wish an adult would have said on your behalf. As much as it isn't possible to cut her out of your life, what I have found is taking a break with no contact for a period of time is a great way to create a new dynamic and show the other person that you are serious about your boundaries and as painful as it is, it becomes a restart of the friendship because the other person realises they will lose you if the dynamic doesn't change. I also have given that boundary, the person did not go to therapy and so we didn't speak for a year. I set very basic boundaries that I will not stay in conversations where I am being criticised, yelled at or sworn at and they couldn't keep that. After a year, they reached out and none of these things happen now and it broke this endless pattern that seemed to have previously. This does not have to be your decision but I think it's important to know that it is an option. An increase in distance also works well and you can say 'We are more distanced as I need to be able to have conversations where I feel understood and heard." You've got this!
Balance after boundary setting! Tips for when setting a boundary means the relationship won’t get closer, but you still want them (or it’s not feasible to eliminate them) from your life. How to hold that boundary, whilst navigating other parts of the relationship.
(For my personal context):Finally set boundaries with mom about not being able to connect/be closer (mom wants deep conversations & to heal our relationship. However, when we have tried in the past, she gaslights, gets defensive, and makes everything about her. Unfortunately, she’s just not capable of the self reflection and communication needed to move forward.
My final boundary was telling her that I’m not willing to have these conversations anymore unless she gives Therapy a try. She told me she would never try it. She constantly tries to connect with me in other ways, and I am just not interested. However, it’s still my mom, I still love her, and it’s not feasible to cut her completely out of my life.
Boundaries with family after lots of childhood trauma is TOUGH.
It absolutely is! Your relationships with your family are your most inbuilt ones and therefore trying to change the dynamic is hard, especially when one person is resistant to change, but it can happen. The key to your specific situation is acceptance. You need to accept that your mum is not going to change and you need to grieve the loss of the mum you wish you had, the closeness you wish you had and the grieve the conversations you wish you were able to have with her. You can do this with your inner child too, imagine your child at whatever age you felt the most hurt and have that conversation with your mum out loud imagining your mum, your inner child and the current you as the parental figure to your inner child. You can let your inner child say the things she needs to say and sometimes it will be appropriate to ask your inner child to go outside and play so that you as an adult can tell your mum what you wish an adult would have said on your behalf. As much as it isn't possible to cut her out of your life, what I have found is taking a break with no contact for a period of time is a great way to create a new dynamic and show the other person that you are serious about your boundaries and as painful as it is, it becomes a restart of the friendship because the other person realises they will lose you if the dynamic doesn't change. I also have given that boundary, the person did not go to therapy and so we didn't speak for a year. I set very basic boundaries that I will not stay in conversations where I am being criticised, yelled at or sworn at and they couldn't keep that. After a year, they reached out and none of these things happen now and it broke this endless pattern that seemed to have previously. This does not have to be your decision but I think it's important to know that it is an option. An increase in distance also works well and you can say 'We are more distanced as I need to be able to have conversations where I feel understood and heard." You've got this!
M xx