I’m slowly making progress towards setting boundaries with my family. One point I keep on getting stuck in, is where relatives ask for personal information that I’m unwilling to share. My default response has been ‘it’s not your business’/‘it concerns me, not you’, which has prompted family to describe me as unkind/ungrateful.
I’m slowly making progress towards setting boundaries with my family. One point I keep on getting stuck in, is where relatives ask for personal information that I’m unwilling to share. My default response has been ‘it’s not your business’/‘it concerns me, not you’, which has prompted family to describe me as unkind/ungrateful.
How do I make them understand I’m not saying any of this to be bratty, but instead it is a belief that means a lot to me?
And if I can’t make them understand this, how do I move on from feeling the need to do so? Thanks a lot!
This is not going to be the answer you want to hear but they are allowed to think you are bratty, unkind and ungrateful. You have to let them think that. You cannot change people's minds and I want you to see it as you losing your people-pleasing side. You know how people always tell you to 'not care what people think' and I always think, 'easier said than done', well this is you doing it! Every time someone calls you a name like unkind or ungrateful, I want you to see a piece of your people pleasing side floating away. They are only name calling because they are not getting their way and they are finding it frustrating to not be able to manipulate you. Think about it this way, if someone cared what they thought, calling them unkind, would make them change their mind and cross their boundaries because their own boundaries are less important than what that person thinks of them. Also you aren't unkind, you are actually choosing to be kind to yourself over being kind to them and the insult 'ungrateful' doesn't even make sense, ungrateful for what? Their nosiness? I wouldn't be grateful for that either! I also think the word 'bratty' is quite gendered. An adult man would never be called bratty. The definition of bratty is spoiled or to misbehave. How is this being spoilt or misbehaving. As humans, it's intrinsic in us to want our family (and particularly our parent's) approval but as adults we must realise that we own our choices and we don't need anyone to agree! Hope that helps! M xx
I’m slowly making progress towards setting boundaries with my family. One point I keep on getting stuck in, is where relatives ask for personal information that I’m unwilling to share. My default response has been ‘it’s not your business’/‘it concerns me, not you’, which has prompted family to describe me as unkind/ungrateful.
How do I make them understand I’m not saying any of this to be bratty, but instead it is a belief that means a lot to me?
And if I can’t make them understand this, how do I move on from feeling the need to do so? Thanks a lot!
This is not going to be the answer you want to hear but they are allowed to think you are bratty, unkind and ungrateful. You have to let them think that. You cannot change people's minds and I want you to see it as you losing your people-pleasing side. You know how people always tell you to 'not care what people think' and I always think, 'easier said than done', well this is you doing it! Every time someone calls you a name like unkind or ungrateful, I want you to see a piece of your people pleasing side floating away. They are only name calling because they are not getting their way and they are finding it frustrating to not be able to manipulate you. Think about it this way, if someone cared what they thought, calling them unkind, would make them change their mind and cross their boundaries because their own boundaries are less important than what that person thinks of them. Also you aren't unkind, you are actually choosing to be kind to yourself over being kind to them and the insult 'ungrateful' doesn't even make sense, ungrateful for what? Their nosiness? I wouldn't be grateful for that either! I also think the word 'bratty' is quite gendered. An adult man would never be called bratty. The definition of bratty is spoiled or to misbehave. How is this being spoilt or misbehaving. As humans, it's intrinsic in us to want our family (and particularly our parent's) approval but as adults we must realise that we own our choices and we don't need anyone to agree! Hope that helps! M xx
My question was along these lines too! Family boundary setting is TOUGH.