It’s that time of the month again. I’ll be doing an Ask Me Anything on TUESDAY 8th August and will be answering them live from 10 am-11 am. Ask me anything from life coaching, and advice to even silly and weird questions!
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The most popular ones will get answered and any wild cards that take my fancy!
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I’m struggling with this lately - Do you think it’s possible to ethically have children, knowing that existence can be painful and difficult, that the climate emergency may well mean they grow up in a world previous generations have failed to care for and we are leaving them our mess? Is it always selfish to have children and if so, is it still OK to do it? I am having my eggs frozen as I’m 35 and I have always seen myself as a parent. I believe I would be a good enough parent, but I often wonder if it is justified?
I think this is such a personal question and no one can answer this for each other. I do think it is important to question why you want children. A lot of parents have children to fulfill their own needs forgetting they are complete and separate human beings and then feel disappointed when their child isn't a replica of their imagination. This puts a lot of pressure on the child so I do think self awareness about why you want children is important and then working through that before you have children. In terms of the planet, I am going to be honest and say I don't know and I don't think it is my place to have an opinion on that. If you decide to have children, let that decision lie though. There is no point deciding something and then feeling guilt about it afterwards as that puts you in a double bind and is wasted energy.
Thank you, I think it’s something I need to work through in therapy to decide how I really feel about it. It’s not a decision I would judge anyone else for, but it is one I have to be happy to live with.
To clarify, I’m very glad I’m alive and I feel that human existence is overall a wonderful thing despite its inevitable suffering and hardships, but I worry this may not be the case for my children.
I’m trying to have more confidence in my own beliefs and opinions, but I’m not sure how to go about doing this. I find that a lot of the time I look at my decisions, especially big life decisions, through lens of what I believe others would think about it. I want to trust my own opinion more, so any advice on how to do this is much appreciated!
The first place to start is to actually start connecting and associating into your body so you know how YOU feel about a decision. The way to do this is to think back to a time you knew you were making a wrong decision and you did it anyway. Go back to that moment and notice how you felt in your body, was there a tightness somewhere in your body, maybe a heat or pressure? Where in your body did you feel it? Repeat the process again but now with a good decision you made and you knew it was a good decision at the time. Now you know the difference between what a good decision and a bad decision feels like and before you decide anything, check in with your body, do a scan from your head to your toes and notice how you are feeling about it. The reason why what you want is more important than their opinion is because you are the person with the most information and you are also the person most affected by the decision and therefore you are the one most invested in making the right decision. Other people's opinions will only be on a segment of the information you have and therefore they are not fully informed. In order to start trusting your own opinion more, you need to question why you believe others know more or better than you because they likely don't. And then ultimatley what it comes down to, is if you are about to make a decision, and you know others disagree, you make that decision anyway! You can use it to fuel yourself by thinking of it as proving them wrong, or you can accept some decisions you make WILL be wrong but you are allowed to make your own mistakes and sometimes you need to learn mistakes yourself.
How do you cope when your workload is overwhelming and you're hanging on a very thin thread? I tried to speak to my boss about it but he doesn't seem to see the problem.
I would have the conversation with your boss again. There are only a few limited solutions to this problem, you reduce your workload, burn out or quit. Therefore reducing your workload is not only the best solution for you but for your boss too. When you speak to your boss, start it as a fact and not as your feelings so for example 'The workload I have right now is unfeasible. It is not possible for one person to complete in the amount of time I am expected to do it. I will no longer be working overtime and so if you do not want to delegate it to other members of the team, some of the work will not get completed.'. Keep the boundaries of when you are off, be off. If it hits 6pm and that is what your contract states, then that's when you stop, regardless of how much work is left. If you are not being compensated financially for overtime then you are doing the job of more than one person and that's not fair. All of this will be uncomfortable, and will come with a risk but if you are on the edge of burnout then you have no choice and this is not on you.
What is your advice for newly single thirty-something, who doesn't know how to embrace being single? I feel like everyone in my surrounding is coupled up and I'm gonna end up lonely. Meeting new people and all this small talk on first dates has lost it's appeal to me, I dunno why. How I get out of this limbo and enjoy life again? I kinda feel like I am the only constant in my life, and everyone else is just temporary.
In all honesty, read the Selfish Romantic because there are entire sections with multiple chapters on this! You are allowed to be sad about others being coupled up, even when I was most happy being single, it is a fact that the world is designed for coupled people and I resented that every weekend it was designated for their partner so friends only wanted to do things on weekday evenings. You are allowed to have all your feelings about that. My question would be though because you said "I'm gonna end up lonely" that implies that this is not a current problem in your life right now. If you don't feel lonely right not then stop worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. I would start writing down proof of anyone (not just romantic!) that has been a permanent in your life. You only need a few people in your life and if you are monogamous, you are only looking for one romantic partner but believing everyone is temporary will become a self fulfilling prophecy. If you hate small talk, stop having small talk. Lead the conversations, have conversations that you find interesting and actually be curious about the person sitting in front of you. Even outside of the conversation, organise dates doing activities that interest you and things you've always wanted to do so that even if the person isn't a romantic match, you are enjoying your life while you are on first dates. I think the broader issue here is that you are not enjoying life right now and therefore you will be going on dates with a certain energy if you feel that way more broadly about life. Write a list of everything that brings you joy and fun and create time in your schedule for those things! Even if it's a few seconds of joy everyday, that is enough but you need to spend your time and energy focusing on that!
How do I take things less personally? Both in my professional and personal life I’ve been told to not take things so personally and not let things get to me as much, but I find this really difficult. Any tips for just letting stuff go more?
Do you believe you take things too personally? You are telling me that others tell you this but do you agree? The reason why I ask this is because this phrase is often used by people who are insensitive to the fact that their words have impact and often when I am told that I am taking things personally, it is because it is personal. It is the same people who believe that honesty has to be brutal. Things get to me too and I believe it's because I am a sensitive person but I stand fully behind that and am not going to apologise or change myself because my sensitivity is also why I'm empathetic, emotionally intelligent and compassionate. I will explain to people in my life that everyone has a different speed at which they process things and it's OK that I take longer to process things and what I am not going to do is pretend my feelings don't exit when they do. When it comes to work, if it is your work being critiqued, remind yourself that it is not you that is being critiqued. It's the difference between someone saying you did a rubbish presentation, and you being rubbish. A number of self soothing tools can be helpful like putting your hand on your heart, slowing your breathing and saying to yourself 'I am safe'. People who are more sensitive to criticism, tend to be people who were really criticised when younger and that's why I am so compassionate to myself about that because it is not my fault or your fault. We were not born this way, we were overly criticised and that's why we have become sensitive to it... which makes TOTAL SENSE. Validate how you feel and when you have a private moment, ask yourself 'what is this reminding me of'. Many times when we have a larger reaction than we expected, it's because it's coming from our past and therefore a current event is touching on an event from the past that is unhealed. Give yourself time to revisit that memory as the adult you are now and tell your inner child everything they needed to hear at the time.
How to better rest in the thought that what you are doing is enough? I always feel like I should do more, however I know that may risk taking a serious toll on my mental health.
It is impossible to rest if you feel guilt. Even if you are technically on the sofa watching TV, if your brain is so busy berating yourself, then you are not resting and therefore you will burn out. I think you need to question how much your self esteem is tied to your productivity. Look underneath 'I should always do more' and make an active effort to start unpicking the mentality that all your time should be used productively. You deserve to have fun, joy and relaxation! What is the thinking behind the fact that you are not allowed these things? What does it mean if you rest? A lot of these mentalities usually stem from the fear of being lazy and I would really recommend the book 'Laziness Does Not Exist'.
Do you keep notes from books that inspired you? Or you just re-read them? What is your technique of making the best of the nuggets of knowledge that you read about?
I use the notes section on the iPhone. I have one list for important quotes I want to remember and one list for anything new I learn while I am writing my next book that I want to include. I rarely ever re-read books and I will highlight it as I am reading it but for the most part, no. I trust that my unconscious will remember anything important that I need and if I recall something I read in a certain book but I can't remember it exactly, I will return to the book and search through the highlighted sections but that's also why I don't heavily highlight because if every page is highlighted then it becomes impossible to find so I'm very selective about what I highlight and it's usually highlighted for a specific purpose like it is a good quote for the next book I am writing
Thank you for all the questions! I love this feature and I hope you do too! Have a lovely day <3
I’m struggling with this lately - Do you think it’s possible to ethically have children, knowing that existence can be painful and difficult, that the climate emergency may well mean they grow up in a world previous generations have failed to care for and we are leaving them our mess? Is it always selfish to have children and if so, is it still OK to do it? I am having my eggs frozen as I’m 35 and I have always seen myself as a parent. I believe I would be a good enough parent, but I often wonder if it is justified?
I think this is such a personal question and no one can answer this for each other. I do think it is important to question why you want children. A lot of parents have children to fulfill their own needs forgetting they are complete and separate human beings and then feel disappointed when their child isn't a replica of their imagination. This puts a lot of pressure on the child so I do think self awareness about why you want children is important and then working through that before you have children. In terms of the planet, I am going to be honest and say I don't know and I don't think it is my place to have an opinion on that. If you decide to have children, let that decision lie though. There is no point deciding something and then feeling guilt about it afterwards as that puts you in a double bind and is wasted energy.
Thank you, I think it’s something I need to work through in therapy to decide how I really feel about it. It’s not a decision I would judge anyone else for, but it is one I have to be happy to live with.
To clarify, I’m very glad I’m alive and I feel that human existence is overall a wonderful thing despite its inevitable suffering and hardships, but I worry this may not be the case for my children.
I’m trying to have more confidence in my own beliefs and opinions, but I’m not sure how to go about doing this. I find that a lot of the time I look at my decisions, especially big life decisions, through lens of what I believe others would think about it. I want to trust my own opinion more, so any advice on how to do this is much appreciated!
The first place to start is to actually start connecting and associating into your body so you know how YOU feel about a decision. The way to do this is to think back to a time you knew you were making a wrong decision and you did it anyway. Go back to that moment and notice how you felt in your body, was there a tightness somewhere in your body, maybe a heat or pressure? Where in your body did you feel it? Repeat the process again but now with a good decision you made and you knew it was a good decision at the time. Now you know the difference between what a good decision and a bad decision feels like and before you decide anything, check in with your body, do a scan from your head to your toes and notice how you are feeling about it. The reason why what you want is more important than their opinion is because you are the person with the most information and you are also the person most affected by the decision and therefore you are the one most invested in making the right decision. Other people's opinions will only be on a segment of the information you have and therefore they are not fully informed. In order to start trusting your own opinion more, you need to question why you believe others know more or better than you because they likely don't. And then ultimatley what it comes down to, is if you are about to make a decision, and you know others disagree, you make that decision anyway! You can use it to fuel yourself by thinking of it as proving them wrong, or you can accept some decisions you make WILL be wrong but you are allowed to make your own mistakes and sometimes you need to learn mistakes yourself.
How do you cope when your workload is overwhelming and you're hanging on a very thin thread? I tried to speak to my boss about it but he doesn't seem to see the problem.
I would have the conversation with your boss again. There are only a few limited solutions to this problem, you reduce your workload, burn out or quit. Therefore reducing your workload is not only the best solution for you but for your boss too. When you speak to your boss, start it as a fact and not as your feelings so for example 'The workload I have right now is unfeasible. It is not possible for one person to complete in the amount of time I am expected to do it. I will no longer be working overtime and so if you do not want to delegate it to other members of the team, some of the work will not get completed.'. Keep the boundaries of when you are off, be off. If it hits 6pm and that is what your contract states, then that's when you stop, regardless of how much work is left. If you are not being compensated financially for overtime then you are doing the job of more than one person and that's not fair. All of this will be uncomfortable, and will come with a risk but if you are on the edge of burnout then you have no choice and this is not on you.
Than you for this 😊
What is your advice for newly single thirty-something, who doesn't know how to embrace being single? I feel like everyone in my surrounding is coupled up and I'm gonna end up lonely. Meeting new people and all this small talk on first dates has lost it's appeal to me, I dunno why. How I get out of this limbo and enjoy life again? I kinda feel like I am the only constant in my life, and everyone else is just temporary.
In all honesty, read the Selfish Romantic because there are entire sections with multiple chapters on this! You are allowed to be sad about others being coupled up, even when I was most happy being single, it is a fact that the world is designed for coupled people and I resented that every weekend it was designated for their partner so friends only wanted to do things on weekday evenings. You are allowed to have all your feelings about that. My question would be though because you said "I'm gonna end up lonely" that implies that this is not a current problem in your life right now. If you don't feel lonely right not then stop worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. I would start writing down proof of anyone (not just romantic!) that has been a permanent in your life. You only need a few people in your life and if you are monogamous, you are only looking for one romantic partner but believing everyone is temporary will become a self fulfilling prophecy. If you hate small talk, stop having small talk. Lead the conversations, have conversations that you find interesting and actually be curious about the person sitting in front of you. Even outside of the conversation, organise dates doing activities that interest you and things you've always wanted to do so that even if the person isn't a romantic match, you are enjoying your life while you are on first dates. I think the broader issue here is that you are not enjoying life right now and therefore you will be going on dates with a certain energy if you feel that way more broadly about life. Write a list of everything that brings you joy and fun and create time in your schedule for those things! Even if it's a few seconds of joy everyday, that is enough but you need to spend your time and energy focusing on that!
Thank you Michelle, this is huge help! I will definitely read Selfish Romantic ♥️
How do I take things less personally? Both in my professional and personal life I’ve been told to not take things so personally and not let things get to me as much, but I find this really difficult. Any tips for just letting stuff go more?
Do you believe you take things too personally? You are telling me that others tell you this but do you agree? The reason why I ask this is because this phrase is often used by people who are insensitive to the fact that their words have impact and often when I am told that I am taking things personally, it is because it is personal. It is the same people who believe that honesty has to be brutal. Things get to me too and I believe it's because I am a sensitive person but I stand fully behind that and am not going to apologise or change myself because my sensitivity is also why I'm empathetic, emotionally intelligent and compassionate. I will explain to people in my life that everyone has a different speed at which they process things and it's OK that I take longer to process things and what I am not going to do is pretend my feelings don't exit when they do. When it comes to work, if it is your work being critiqued, remind yourself that it is not you that is being critiqued. It's the difference between someone saying you did a rubbish presentation, and you being rubbish. A number of self soothing tools can be helpful like putting your hand on your heart, slowing your breathing and saying to yourself 'I am safe'. People who are more sensitive to criticism, tend to be people who were really criticised when younger and that's why I am so compassionate to myself about that because it is not my fault or your fault. We were not born this way, we were overly criticised and that's why we have become sensitive to it... which makes TOTAL SENSE. Validate how you feel and when you have a private moment, ask yourself 'what is this reminding me of'. Many times when we have a larger reaction than we expected, it's because it's coming from our past and therefore a current event is touching on an event from the past that is unhealed. Give yourself time to revisit that memory as the adult you are now and tell your inner child everything they needed to hear at the time.
How to better rest in the thought that what you are doing is enough? I always feel like I should do more, however I know that may risk taking a serious toll on my mental health.
It is impossible to rest if you feel guilt. Even if you are technically on the sofa watching TV, if your brain is so busy berating yourself, then you are not resting and therefore you will burn out. I think you need to question how much your self esteem is tied to your productivity. Look underneath 'I should always do more' and make an active effort to start unpicking the mentality that all your time should be used productively. You deserve to have fun, joy and relaxation! What is the thinking behind the fact that you are not allowed these things? What does it mean if you rest? A lot of these mentalities usually stem from the fear of being lazy and I would really recommend the book 'Laziness Does Not Exist'.
Do you keep notes from books that inspired you? Or you just re-read them? What is your technique of making the best of the nuggets of knowledge that you read about?
I use the notes section on the iPhone. I have one list for important quotes I want to remember and one list for anything new I learn while I am writing my next book that I want to include. I rarely ever re-read books and I will highlight it as I am reading it but for the most part, no. I trust that my unconscious will remember anything important that I need and if I recall something I read in a certain book but I can't remember it exactly, I will return to the book and search through the highlighted sections but that's also why I don't heavily highlight because if every page is highlighted then it becomes impossible to find so I'm very selective about what I highlight and it's usually highlighted for a specific purpose like it is a good quote for the next book I am writing
What do you think of a quote: "never regret anything in your life because at a given time that thing was all you wanted"?