It’s that time of the month again. I’ll be doing an Ask Me Anything on MONDAY 5th June and will be answering them live from 10am-11am. Ask me anything from life coaching, and advice to even silly and weird questions!
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The most popular ones will get answered and any wild cards that take my fancy!
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Thank you all so much for all your questions! This is one of my favourite features we do in our little Substack community and I really appreciate all of you being vulnerable. If your question wasn't answered today, there will be another one next month and make sure to get it in early for a greater chance for it to be answered. Or head back to last month's AMA to have a read of previous answers. Lots of love! M xx
Hi Michelle! I've always been an overthinker but I've found that over the last year or so it's gotten to the point where I struggle to switch my brain off and relax / focus on what I'm doing - I feel like I'm constantly thinking back on different situations or relationships I've been in and making up scenarios for how they could have gone differently, or worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. I was wondering if you have any recommendations on how to calm / soothe myself in those moments where I realise I'm getting lost in my head again?
Hey Helena! I recently went through a phase like this and I was replaying conversations because I was avoiding my feelings and that's what is going through your mind too. I can give you quick and easy tips like relax your jaw and look upwards with your eyes when your mind gets too loud but the real long term solution is your brain is on overdrive because it's trying to think itself out of it's emotions and it just doesn't work like that. Especially if you are worrying, the emotion you are likely avoiding is fear so when you get lost in your head I want you to focus on your breathe and return to your body. Follow your breathe into your body, notice it coming in and follow your breathe out and then find where the emotion sits and let yourself feel the fear. Your brain might get loud again but remember that is just a distraction. You are scared to feel your feelings and that's OK because sometimes feeling your feelings can hurt but they just get bigger if you avoid them. Everytime a hypothetical conversation comes into your head, return to your breathing and focus in on your body and that might mean pausing what you are doing to take a moment to feel but realistically you aren't focusing on what you are doing anyway if you are overthinking. Asking yourself questions like 'what is this emotion really about?', 'what is sitting underneath this thought?' 'what am I avoiding feeling right now' can help you pinpoint it. Hope that helps! M xx
Hey Michelle 👋 do you have any wisdom to share when it comes to having sex with someone new after being out of the game for a while, particularly sober?
For context, I’ve been single for about a year and had a sexless relationship with my ex for about a year before that. The last time I was single I loved dating and having new experiences, including sex, but that was 5 years ago - I was 26 and not chronically ill, so I feel like a different person now! I’m getting back in touch with my sensual side alone but I definitely feel nervous about sleeping with someone new. I’ve recently met someone who might be a possibility, but I know I want to take my time (I’ve rushed into bad situations before and learnt my lesson). But I’m cautious of building it up in my head into something big when it doesn’t have to be! I’ve also historically always been drinking during my first time with someone new and I don’t think I’d want to do that this time around, not least because drinking leaves me pretty unwell for a few days after.
Me and this guy have already had some open convos about our opinion of sex workers (very accepting) and he’s shared that he’s on antidepressants which impacts his desire, so I feel comfortable being honest with him which is great but I also don’t want to overshare before it’s appropriate (another mistake I’ve made in the past).
Feeling a bit in my head with it all which is very counterproductive to having good sex 😂 send help!
Hey Kim! The most important thing I have realised is that there is no objectively 'good' or 'bad' sex. Sex is created between two people and whatever dynamic you had in past relationships doesn't affect how sex is with a new partner because everyone's tastes, communication and style is different anyway. Starting with communication is brilliant and I think having an option to start wanting sex, initiating and then changing your mind is OK too. If that happens, all you need to say is 'I thought I was ready but I'm getting a bit nervous, could we slow down/ could we try this another day? Thank you for being patient with me'. Being sober during sex usually makes sex so much better because you are able to feel deeper. The thing that might happen though is you might be in your head more so when you enter your head, bring your attention to where your bodies are touching whether it's their hand on your body or their lips on yours. In terms of 'oversharing', it's less about 'oversharing' and more about not 'dumping. So what's the differnece? The intention behind the sharing. Are you sharing because you are scared and therefore trying to dump anything that could potentially scare them off as a warning or are you sharing so you feel more comfortable and safe. As a broad generalisation, if you answer the question with 'why are you sharing?' with something about them, what they are thinking and their opinion, then it's usually dumping out of fear. If it's about you, your feelings and your comfort levels, it's usually you sharing out of increasing intimacy. Another thing to take the pressure off is that the first time is not the best time. This is not your one and only chance otherwise you blow it. Sex improves as you get to know each other and therefore when you feel ready to have sex, it's OK if it isn't ideal because you will learn about each other and teach each other what you like. You've got this! xxx
Hi Michelle! I was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 30 and in the middle of a PhD in genetics. I find it difficult to get over the time and opportunities I’ve lost due to this, and to accept the fact that I can do less in a day than others, that I will always have slow or even no-work days, that I reach my goals with more effort (because my brain doesn’t form habits and doesn’t reward me with dopamine for completing a task) and that it will not relent. It’s a lot like not having control over what you do in a day or at any time, and trying to trick yourself into doing what you know you want to do. This applies to fun things too, not just work. Medication is helping a huge amount but it’s not fully fixing it. The stigma is also debilitating because it’s easy for people to “do stuff” so they think you’re lazy or unmotivated. Any advice about all that, or ways to be kinder to myself about my disability or how to look at it? Thank you! (I hope this is the right place to comment! Sorry!)
Hi Oana! I totally relate as someone who has dyslexia. The first thing I would say is that you say 'fixing it' but one thing that really helps me is to remember that your brain is not worse, or slower, or lazier, it simply works differently in a world that is only orientated to one kind of brain. A lot of energy will have been used on trying to adapt and conform to the world how it is as opposed to embracing your strengths and the way you work. For example, did you know our brains are not actually wired to work 9-5 hours. Research has actually shown the working week is unproductive as our brains are designed to work in shorter (more like 4 hour) chunks. You are allowed to feel angry about the time and opportunities lost due to a late diagnosis. Let yourself feel that anger because again, that will be draining you if you don't let yourself feel it. Suppressing anger takes energy, whereas actually feeling anger elicits energy because anger is the only negative emotion that creates energy. Instead of 'tricking' yourself, I want you to see it as you motivating yourself in different ways to others. Yes, you will have days where you are less productive than others but you will also have days you are more productive and if you allow yourself to not feel guilty on your unproductive days, that will allow you to maximise the time when you do feel focused. I would also say a big piece of removing the shame and guilt around it is you need to start looking at what it means you if you are less productive than others. We live in a world that emphasises productivity so much that sometimes we attach our self esteem to how much we can get done in a day and instead you need to build your self esteem around who you are as opposed to how much you do! I want you to start noticing all the benefits and positives that ADHD brings. Your brain does work differently, but as long as you compare it to how others work, you will only see the negatives. You will have strengths that others with ADHD won't have, just like I do with dyslexia. For example, I believe my dyslexia means my writing is so much more accessible to readers because for it to make sense in my brain, I have to make it simple and therefore people can learn from me because I keep it simple! Hope that helps and you've got this. Your diagnosis was only recent and you are currently still adjusting so let the dust settle and allow yourself to adapt to the new change! M xx
I’m currently looking for a new job, and dealing with the knowledge that I’ll be rejected over and over again is really hard for me. Do you have any tips on how not to take it personally and therefore not letting it stop me from applying to a lot of different positions?
See it as your CV being rejected as opposed to YOU being rejected. They don't know you, all they know is a piece of paper with your previous work experience. I would also see every no as one step closer towards a yes. Feel proud of every application you make and already see it as a win by applying! Remember that you can't know until you try and one of my favourite things to remember is that men apply to jobs when they are 60% qualified whereas women apply when 100% qualified so you are likely already overqualified when you hit send. You also want to remember that it's not just them choosing you, it's you choosing them so if they have bad communication over email or any part of the interview process indicates a negative working environment, you also have the power to reject them - it's not a one way process! When I would apply to literary agencies, I would do it mindlessly, and send out as many as possible impulsively, shut down my laptop and not look at my email for the rest of the day. You don't want to be watching for replies and that way you don't overthink each individual application! I would also write a list of 100 reasons why someone would want to hire you so you walk into every interview knowing what you bring to the table. I want your first reaction to rejection to be 'their loss' as opposed to thinking their rejection has any validity. Good luck! xxx
I've been with my partner for about six months now, and I'm so so happy, but every now and then, when I'm particularly stressed, I wish I could take like a 1 week break from the relationship, just so I don't constantly think about someone else along with my own stuff going on. I know that realistically it wouldn't even work, even if we did agree to take a week of break, cause I'd still be thinking about her. And I know I don't actually want to break up. I think it's just the stress, and having or wanting to take someone else into consideration in my plans is just sometimes a bit too much for me. But I wonder if this is "normal", or rather common? And do you have any recommendations on how to cope with that? I haven't talked to them about it, because I worry it would scare them off, though we generally have really good and open communication
Hey Patricia! There is no 'normal'. There is usually one partner who does need more space and one partner who needs more closeness and intimacy and you can create that space in a different way that isn't 'taking a break'. I would say to your partner 'hey! I'm particularly stressed this week so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, it's not personal, it's just work', that way you can be more distant when you have that week, and not feel the urge to pull away. Often when people get confused as to why you are being distant, they will come closer which will make you want to push them further away so this sentence will help reassure them while you can have your space. In terms of worrying about them, it's hard to say what is a 'normal' extent but I would have a think about your boundaries. Do you worry about them in regards to things that actually aren't yours to worry about? Remember you can only control your life, your feelings and your emotions and therefore if the emotion doesn't exist in your body, you can't resolve it. Believe your partner is competent to handle their own issues and you are there to support but you can't feel it for them as that would undermine them. I would also have a conversation with your partner about how in relationships there are points in time where you have to spend more of your time and energy on yourself than the other person and in general, I think the principle 'I'll look after me. You look after you. And we are both here to support but we won't carry each other's baggage". In this conversation, you can also explore some broader ideas without making it personal in order to enter this conversation for example 'do you ever find you need more space in a relationship? What do you think about how much independence is needing in a relationship for it to be at it's healthiest?'. Focus the conversation on understanding each other's broader relationship mindset and it will improve your intimacy xx
A wedding question! At my both brothers weddings my grandma (assisted by my auntie) has taken it upon herself to do a speech without being asked and without asking consent. They’ve been between 20 - 45 minutes long!!! I am getting married in October and I don’t feel comfortable with this happening. Especially without my permission. We’re not particularly close either. How do I bring it up? She won’t ask me for my consent so do I just assume she might do it and straight up tell her I don’t feel comfortable? She’s 95 she may well forget too, so worth adding in my auntie?! I’m fully prepped for family comments about being ‘mean’ to a 95 year old woman 🙃 but it’s *my* wedding!
I'm so glad you are prepared for the comments because they will likely come and you are right, it is YOUR wedding and good on you for knowing what you want. In terms of bringing it up, you just have to bite the bullet and say 'We have been thinking about our wedding and we are being really selective about who is doing our speeches. We want to keep them short and we really appreciate you wanting to speak at our wedding and that is not needed. If you get up on the day to speak, we will ask you to sit back down as we simply don't have the time. If you would like to convey your sentiments, I would love to hear it in a handwritten letter or we can organise for you to film a video for us so we have a keepsake we can always look back on. I would also tell the person who will be in control of the mic, if she can't get the mic then she can't speak and whoever is sitting next to her might be able to assist on this. If she does get up to speak on the day, have a plan so that either you or your partner goes up to her and says 'we spoke about this. You are not allowed to give a speech without our permission and we need you to respect our wishes'. You deserve to have the wedding day you want! It's a hard conversation but one truly worth having because no one wants a speech that long at any wedding!
Thank you! This is a great approach and a lovely idea. Our MC (my brother in law) is already fully briefed to not allow it 😅 so just need to bite the bullet and tell her! X
What are your tips for getting better at feeling/properly acknowledging your own feelings? I am (subconsciously) a real bottler when it comes to emotions, especially negative ones, and it ends up with me bursting into tears and having a big emotional outburst. Any tips for regulating and acknowledging my emotions more rather than repressing much appreciated. ☺️
Hey Kirsty! I think the first step is actually acknowledging the moments when we dismiss our feelings so you might recognise phrases like 'it isn't a big deal', 'i'm being silly', or even apologies for crying. Eliminate all of this. It took me a long time to stop apologising for my emotions and I just had to ban it. I could say anything else but I would not use the word 'sorry' or 'apologies'. Then it's about practicing that compassionate voice! How would you speak to a small child when they are in their feelings. Imagine yourself as a small child and especially if you are a bottler, they might need some encouragement to actually fully feel their feelings so words like "I'm here, you are safe. I'm going to sit with you as long as you are in this and you are not going to scare me off. I am here and I am with you". In terms of bottling things up, I want you to start having regular check ins with yourself. Associate it with a specific time whether it's you waking up or you going to sleep or even when you make yourself a cup of tea and are waiting for the kettle to boil and I want you to do a full body scan. So start your attention on the top of your head and go down your body and notice any discomfort, tension, heat or pressure. Once you are aware of it, even if you don't have time to process it, look at your diary and schedule a time to explore that sensation further. This will help you create more time to feel it before it builds up. Hope that helps! xx
I have just finished ifs therapy after 18 months. Do you have any advice about supporting myself through this transition? My brain keeps over analysing every feeling to see if it is a part and if it needs help. For context we finished our sessions because I was able to do the work between our sessions and so didn’t have any parts that needed help during our time.
So I took time out to raise my two boys. I was, am a secondary school English teacher but I’ve been out of it for 7 years now. I’m keen to do my conversion to primary school teaching but I can’t decide.. I have two competing parts of my brain..one says do it let your boys get used to you working and maybe not always being super available all the time. The other says leave it til they’re older, more mature?!?!? I also don’t believe when the school id train at says they’d love to have me. I’m sure they could certainly do better and what do I actually have to offer anyway?!
I realised only recently what a people pleaser i am. Honestly i didn't know for so long. Over the last two years i'e had seriously issues with hormones imbalances and i'm sure a lot of it is due to stress. I constantly strive to be a good friend and never let anyone down, even if it ends up being detrimental to my own well being.
This weekend there is a family party coming up. I said i would go months ago. Thing is, with my family everything turns into a bloody party with them. I don't drink, and i really dont want to go. But how do i cancel without feeling like i have to justify it? And how can i i future actually think about myself first rather than keep doing this to myself, i'm fed up of it x
Thank you all so much for all your questions! This is one of my favourite features we do in our little Substack community and I really appreciate all of you being vulnerable. If your question wasn't answered today, there will be another one next month and make sure to get it in early for a greater chance for it to be answered. Or head back to last month's AMA to have a read of previous answers. Lots of love! M xx
Hi Michelle! I've always been an overthinker but I've found that over the last year or so it's gotten to the point where I struggle to switch my brain off and relax / focus on what I'm doing - I feel like I'm constantly thinking back on different situations or relationships I've been in and making up scenarios for how they could have gone differently, or worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. I was wondering if you have any recommendations on how to calm / soothe myself in those moments where I realise I'm getting lost in my head again?
Hey Helena! I recently went through a phase like this and I was replaying conversations because I was avoiding my feelings and that's what is going through your mind too. I can give you quick and easy tips like relax your jaw and look upwards with your eyes when your mind gets too loud but the real long term solution is your brain is on overdrive because it's trying to think itself out of it's emotions and it just doesn't work like that. Especially if you are worrying, the emotion you are likely avoiding is fear so when you get lost in your head I want you to focus on your breathe and return to your body. Follow your breathe into your body, notice it coming in and follow your breathe out and then find where the emotion sits and let yourself feel the fear. Your brain might get loud again but remember that is just a distraction. You are scared to feel your feelings and that's OK because sometimes feeling your feelings can hurt but they just get bigger if you avoid them. Everytime a hypothetical conversation comes into your head, return to your breathing and focus in on your body and that might mean pausing what you are doing to take a moment to feel but realistically you aren't focusing on what you are doing anyway if you are overthinking. Asking yourself questions like 'what is this emotion really about?', 'what is sitting underneath this thought?' 'what am I avoiding feeling right now' can help you pinpoint it. Hope that helps! M xx
Hey Michelle 👋 do you have any wisdom to share when it comes to having sex with someone new after being out of the game for a while, particularly sober?
For context, I’ve been single for about a year and had a sexless relationship with my ex for about a year before that. The last time I was single I loved dating and having new experiences, including sex, but that was 5 years ago - I was 26 and not chronically ill, so I feel like a different person now! I’m getting back in touch with my sensual side alone but I definitely feel nervous about sleeping with someone new. I’ve recently met someone who might be a possibility, but I know I want to take my time (I’ve rushed into bad situations before and learnt my lesson). But I’m cautious of building it up in my head into something big when it doesn’t have to be! I’ve also historically always been drinking during my first time with someone new and I don’t think I’d want to do that this time around, not least because drinking leaves me pretty unwell for a few days after.
Me and this guy have already had some open convos about our opinion of sex workers (very accepting) and he’s shared that he’s on antidepressants which impacts his desire, so I feel comfortable being honest with him which is great but I also don’t want to overshare before it’s appropriate (another mistake I’ve made in the past).
Feeling a bit in my head with it all which is very counterproductive to having good sex 😂 send help!
Hey Kim! The most important thing I have realised is that there is no objectively 'good' or 'bad' sex. Sex is created between two people and whatever dynamic you had in past relationships doesn't affect how sex is with a new partner because everyone's tastes, communication and style is different anyway. Starting with communication is brilliant and I think having an option to start wanting sex, initiating and then changing your mind is OK too. If that happens, all you need to say is 'I thought I was ready but I'm getting a bit nervous, could we slow down/ could we try this another day? Thank you for being patient with me'. Being sober during sex usually makes sex so much better because you are able to feel deeper. The thing that might happen though is you might be in your head more so when you enter your head, bring your attention to where your bodies are touching whether it's their hand on your body or their lips on yours. In terms of 'oversharing', it's less about 'oversharing' and more about not 'dumping. So what's the differnece? The intention behind the sharing. Are you sharing because you are scared and therefore trying to dump anything that could potentially scare them off as a warning or are you sharing so you feel more comfortable and safe. As a broad generalisation, if you answer the question with 'why are you sharing?' with something about them, what they are thinking and their opinion, then it's usually dumping out of fear. If it's about you, your feelings and your comfort levels, it's usually you sharing out of increasing intimacy. Another thing to take the pressure off is that the first time is not the best time. This is not your one and only chance otherwise you blow it. Sex improves as you get to know each other and therefore when you feel ready to have sex, it's OK if it isn't ideal because you will learn about each other and teach each other what you like. You've got this! xxx
Thank you! This is so helpful and I really appreciate being able to soundboard in a safe space you’ve created 💛 means more than you could know x
Hi Michelle! I was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 30 and in the middle of a PhD in genetics. I find it difficult to get over the time and opportunities I’ve lost due to this, and to accept the fact that I can do less in a day than others, that I will always have slow or even no-work days, that I reach my goals with more effort (because my brain doesn’t form habits and doesn’t reward me with dopamine for completing a task) and that it will not relent. It’s a lot like not having control over what you do in a day or at any time, and trying to trick yourself into doing what you know you want to do. This applies to fun things too, not just work. Medication is helping a huge amount but it’s not fully fixing it. The stigma is also debilitating because it’s easy for people to “do stuff” so they think you’re lazy or unmotivated. Any advice about all that, or ways to be kinder to myself about my disability or how to look at it? Thank you! (I hope this is the right place to comment! Sorry!)
Hi Oana! I totally relate as someone who has dyslexia. The first thing I would say is that you say 'fixing it' but one thing that really helps me is to remember that your brain is not worse, or slower, or lazier, it simply works differently in a world that is only orientated to one kind of brain. A lot of energy will have been used on trying to adapt and conform to the world how it is as opposed to embracing your strengths and the way you work. For example, did you know our brains are not actually wired to work 9-5 hours. Research has actually shown the working week is unproductive as our brains are designed to work in shorter (more like 4 hour) chunks. You are allowed to feel angry about the time and opportunities lost due to a late diagnosis. Let yourself feel that anger because again, that will be draining you if you don't let yourself feel it. Suppressing anger takes energy, whereas actually feeling anger elicits energy because anger is the only negative emotion that creates energy. Instead of 'tricking' yourself, I want you to see it as you motivating yourself in different ways to others. Yes, you will have days where you are less productive than others but you will also have days you are more productive and if you allow yourself to not feel guilty on your unproductive days, that will allow you to maximise the time when you do feel focused. I would also say a big piece of removing the shame and guilt around it is you need to start looking at what it means you if you are less productive than others. We live in a world that emphasises productivity so much that sometimes we attach our self esteem to how much we can get done in a day and instead you need to build your self esteem around who you are as opposed to how much you do! I want you to start noticing all the benefits and positives that ADHD brings. Your brain does work differently, but as long as you compare it to how others work, you will only see the negatives. You will have strengths that others with ADHD won't have, just like I do with dyslexia. For example, I believe my dyslexia means my writing is so much more accessible to readers because for it to make sense in my brain, I have to make it simple and therefore people can learn from me because I keep it simple! Hope that helps and you've got this. Your diagnosis was only recent and you are currently still adjusting so let the dust settle and allow yourself to adapt to the new change! M xx
I’m currently looking for a new job, and dealing with the knowledge that I’ll be rejected over and over again is really hard for me. Do you have any tips on how not to take it personally and therefore not letting it stop me from applying to a lot of different positions?
Hi Maria,
See it as your CV being rejected as opposed to YOU being rejected. They don't know you, all they know is a piece of paper with your previous work experience. I would also see every no as one step closer towards a yes. Feel proud of every application you make and already see it as a win by applying! Remember that you can't know until you try and one of my favourite things to remember is that men apply to jobs when they are 60% qualified whereas women apply when 100% qualified so you are likely already overqualified when you hit send. You also want to remember that it's not just them choosing you, it's you choosing them so if they have bad communication over email or any part of the interview process indicates a negative working environment, you also have the power to reject them - it's not a one way process! When I would apply to literary agencies, I would do it mindlessly, and send out as many as possible impulsively, shut down my laptop and not look at my email for the rest of the day. You don't want to be watching for replies and that way you don't overthink each individual application! I would also write a list of 100 reasons why someone would want to hire you so you walk into every interview knowing what you bring to the table. I want your first reaction to rejection to be 'their loss' as opposed to thinking their rejection has any validity. Good luck! xxx
I've been with my partner for about six months now, and I'm so so happy, but every now and then, when I'm particularly stressed, I wish I could take like a 1 week break from the relationship, just so I don't constantly think about someone else along with my own stuff going on. I know that realistically it wouldn't even work, even if we did agree to take a week of break, cause I'd still be thinking about her. And I know I don't actually want to break up. I think it's just the stress, and having or wanting to take someone else into consideration in my plans is just sometimes a bit too much for me. But I wonder if this is "normal", or rather common? And do you have any recommendations on how to cope with that? I haven't talked to them about it, because I worry it would scare them off, though we generally have really good and open communication
Hey Patricia! There is no 'normal'. There is usually one partner who does need more space and one partner who needs more closeness and intimacy and you can create that space in a different way that isn't 'taking a break'. I would say to your partner 'hey! I'm particularly stressed this week so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, it's not personal, it's just work', that way you can be more distant when you have that week, and not feel the urge to pull away. Often when people get confused as to why you are being distant, they will come closer which will make you want to push them further away so this sentence will help reassure them while you can have your space. In terms of worrying about them, it's hard to say what is a 'normal' extent but I would have a think about your boundaries. Do you worry about them in regards to things that actually aren't yours to worry about? Remember you can only control your life, your feelings and your emotions and therefore if the emotion doesn't exist in your body, you can't resolve it. Believe your partner is competent to handle their own issues and you are there to support but you can't feel it for them as that would undermine them. I would also have a conversation with your partner about how in relationships there are points in time where you have to spend more of your time and energy on yourself than the other person and in general, I think the principle 'I'll look after me. You look after you. And we are both here to support but we won't carry each other's baggage". In this conversation, you can also explore some broader ideas without making it personal in order to enter this conversation for example 'do you ever find you need more space in a relationship? What do you think about how much independence is needing in a relationship for it to be at it's healthiest?'. Focus the conversation on understanding each other's broader relationship mindset and it will improve your intimacy xx
A wedding question! At my both brothers weddings my grandma (assisted by my auntie) has taken it upon herself to do a speech without being asked and without asking consent. They’ve been between 20 - 45 minutes long!!! I am getting married in October and I don’t feel comfortable with this happening. Especially without my permission. We’re not particularly close either. How do I bring it up? She won’t ask me for my consent so do I just assume she might do it and straight up tell her I don’t feel comfortable? She’s 95 she may well forget too, so worth adding in my auntie?! I’m fully prepped for family comments about being ‘mean’ to a 95 year old woman 🙃 but it’s *my* wedding!
I'm so glad you are prepared for the comments because they will likely come and you are right, it is YOUR wedding and good on you for knowing what you want. In terms of bringing it up, you just have to bite the bullet and say 'We have been thinking about our wedding and we are being really selective about who is doing our speeches. We want to keep them short and we really appreciate you wanting to speak at our wedding and that is not needed. If you get up on the day to speak, we will ask you to sit back down as we simply don't have the time. If you would like to convey your sentiments, I would love to hear it in a handwritten letter or we can organise for you to film a video for us so we have a keepsake we can always look back on. I would also tell the person who will be in control of the mic, if she can't get the mic then she can't speak and whoever is sitting next to her might be able to assist on this. If she does get up to speak on the day, have a plan so that either you or your partner goes up to her and says 'we spoke about this. You are not allowed to give a speech without our permission and we need you to respect our wishes'. You deserve to have the wedding day you want! It's a hard conversation but one truly worth having because no one wants a speech that long at any wedding!
M xx
Thank you! This is a great approach and a lovely idea. Our MC (my brother in law) is already fully briefed to not allow it 😅 so just need to bite the bullet and tell her! X
What are your tips for getting better at feeling/properly acknowledging your own feelings? I am (subconsciously) a real bottler when it comes to emotions, especially negative ones, and it ends up with me bursting into tears and having a big emotional outburst. Any tips for regulating and acknowledging my emotions more rather than repressing much appreciated. ☺️
Hey Kirsty! I think the first step is actually acknowledging the moments when we dismiss our feelings so you might recognise phrases like 'it isn't a big deal', 'i'm being silly', or even apologies for crying. Eliminate all of this. It took me a long time to stop apologising for my emotions and I just had to ban it. I could say anything else but I would not use the word 'sorry' or 'apologies'. Then it's about practicing that compassionate voice! How would you speak to a small child when they are in their feelings. Imagine yourself as a small child and especially if you are a bottler, they might need some encouragement to actually fully feel their feelings so words like "I'm here, you are safe. I'm going to sit with you as long as you are in this and you are not going to scare me off. I am here and I am with you". In terms of bottling things up, I want you to start having regular check ins with yourself. Associate it with a specific time whether it's you waking up or you going to sleep or even when you make yourself a cup of tea and are waiting for the kettle to boil and I want you to do a full body scan. So start your attention on the top of your head and go down your body and notice any discomfort, tension, heat or pressure. Once you are aware of it, even if you don't have time to process it, look at your diary and schedule a time to explore that sensation further. This will help you create more time to feel it before it builds up. Hope that helps! xx
I have just finished ifs therapy after 18 months. Do you have any advice about supporting myself through this transition? My brain keeps over analysing every feeling to see if it is a part and if it needs help. For context we finished our sessions because I was able to do the work between our sessions and so didn’t have any parts that needed help during our time.
Hi Michelle
So I took time out to raise my two boys. I was, am a secondary school English teacher but I’ve been out of it for 7 years now. I’m keen to do my conversion to primary school teaching but I can’t decide.. I have two competing parts of my brain..one says do it let your boys get used to you working and maybe not always being super available all the time. The other says leave it til they’re older, more mature?!?!? I also don’t believe when the school id train at says they’d love to have me. I’m sure they could certainly do better and what do I actually have to offer anyway?!
Hey Michelle, hope you're doing well :)
I realised only recently what a people pleaser i am. Honestly i didn't know for so long. Over the last two years i'e had seriously issues with hormones imbalances and i'm sure a lot of it is due to stress. I constantly strive to be a good friend and never let anyone down, even if it ends up being detrimental to my own well being.
This weekend there is a family party coming up. I said i would go months ago. Thing is, with my family everything turns into a bloody party with them. I don't drink, and i really dont want to go. But how do i cancel without feeling like i have to justify it? And how can i i future actually think about myself first rather than keep doing this to myself, i'm fed up of it x