It’s that time of the month again. I’ll be doing an Ask Me Anything on TUESDAY 3rd October and will be answering them live from 11 am-12 pm UK time. Ask me anything from life coaching, and advice to even silly and weird questions!
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The most popular ones will get answered and any wild cards that take my fancy!
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Thank you all so much for the wonderful questions - I loved the diversity in the questions too! This is honestly one of my favourite features mainly cause I love that a lot of the same people show up so it’s like a small community forming 🥰
If you are reading this as a free subscriber and want to join in and ask your own question next month, then make sure you upgrade to paid before 1st November ☺️
I have and I do! I am very pro therapy practices that exist outside of talking therapy and think that the more options the better! There are many different forms so figure out what works for you and some come under different names so the one I use that is a version of it is called Havening, some people call EMDR ‘tapping’ or EFT or RRT. They are all slightly different. In my mind they are all under the umbrella of hypnotherapy but that’s probably because I’m trained as a hypnotherapist and therefore I know it involves a component of trance. I think much more than what the label is, find a practitioner that resonates with you and if you are unsure, ask to speak to them on the phone. Most will do that for free before charging for a session so you can ask about the process and questions like how many sessions you will need xx
I've met a new guy recently and we hit it off instantly. Great chemistry. At first he was giving me a lot of affection and attention. Then he started having less time for me. He said it was because of the new job he got and it was stressing him out to the point that he wanted to be left alone. After reading The Selfish Romantic, I know that we are still basically strangers and I have to earn higher rank in his priorities. I wasn't chasing after him, gave him space. I even communicated that if it isn't a good time for as dating, I will understand and can let him off the hook. But then he said he's very much into me and want to keep to get knowing him. How can I built relation with him if we don't have much time for each other (mostly on his part)? I don't mind taking thing slow but if our communication is a handful of texts a day and dates very far in between can we built something real?
I think you need to know where your limits are and when your needs aren’t being met. I love love love the communication and that you asked him if it was a bad time to date - I would have done the same! When you have figured out your needs, I would then set that boundary. “I understand you are busy but for me to stay interested, I need a date at least every two weeks”. You can change this to suit you so maybe it’s a phone call on the weeks you didn’t have time for a date or suggesting ways to make the dates less effort but let him do the work to find a solution so for example “hey! I know you are very stressed at the moment, is there a way for us to go on a more relaxed date?”. I did the same a few months in, when our dates dropped from once a week to once every two weeks. This would happen because the weekends we saw friends we wouldn’t see each other so I voiced that - “Hey! I have noticed that we have fallen into a pattern where it feels like we have to choose between time together and time with our friends. At the moment we are only seeing each other twice a month and that doesn’t work for me. I need to us to be seeing each other every week at the very least”. At the time, my boyfriend even disagreed but the behaviour change occurred and we never missed a week after that. Leave the ball in his court, make him come up with the solution and ultimately, even if he says he has time to date but his behaviour says otherwise, then that’s what you make your decision on xx
Took your advice to the letter and when I realized his giving me to little to create a bond I shot him a text: Hey! I need more attention and more frequent dates to stay interested. Now doesn't seem like a good time for us to date. I wish you the best with your new job and no hard feelings x
Hi! My question is about trust when dating, some people talk about how trust is earned, but don’t say how and others say to give it freely and then remove it when it’s broken. Do you have any tips/advice for building trust?
Hey Molly! My favourite analogy is Brene Brown’s one about the marble jar because it’s the most in the middle of the road and not extreme like both those routes. She said over time people earn trust by caring about you, being there for you and showing up. She uses the example from her child who said that something that earned a marble for her was a friend remembered her grandparents name because that was important to her cause her grandparents are important to her. Over time, you get more marbles in the jar but let’s say they tell a secret that you want to keep confidential then you remove marbles from the jar. For me, things that happened in early dating and earned my trust was on the first date, I mentioned I had a funeral I need to go to in a few weeks but said I didn’t want to talk about it (it was something that was in the context of what I was saying), my now boyfriend displayed compassion but also didn’t pry or cross my boundaries. Marble in the jar! More trust to tell him vulnerable information! When that funeral came around, he surprised me and turned up at my door because he thought I might need a hug. I did! To me, it displayed emotional intelligence and the capacity to hold space when I was feeling my feelings. A marble in the jar! As you can see, what is important to me is largely around connection and vulnerability but what’s important to you might differ. Look back on past experiences and think about small moments when you felt like you could open up more, or felt safe around a person or knew they would turn up when they said they weren’t! Those are the building blocks of trust xx
I feel a little weighed down by the world lately and was wondering how you manage being well informed and engaged in politics/advocacy, while not getting depressed?
The backlash to the Russell Brand documentary and the misogyny everywhere, Chris Packham’s recent documentary on the world burning, Elianne Andam the teenage girl is the most recent to loose her life to violence in the street... it feels like it never gets better! I used to write through my feelings a lot but I almost feel too overwhelmed with the negativity to get anything down on paper. So, I suppose my follow up question which is a bit more specific would be, as a writer how do you keep direction and purpose and avoid feeling so overwhelmed (with negativity, research, your own thoughts) you freeze?
This might be a shock but I actually do many things to actively avoid the news. If something I need to know happens, I always find out through social media. On Instagram, I follow a lot of social political accounts and tiktok, it lands on my newsfeed. I also have a VERY informed boyfriend so he tends to tell me things I need to know. I get enough throughout my day that I don’t want to be seeking it out so here’s how I do it. I don’t have any news apps, if you do, at least turn off the notifications because BREAKING NEWS will spike your cortisol (stress hormone) and I will say the bar for breaking news seems to be quite low from the notifications I have seen. What I do consume is The View on YouTube every night which is the only news thing but they do it in a chatty, casual way and I genuinely watch it for enjoyment. It does mean I’m more informed about America than anywhere else. Outside of that, I actively avoid it. I do not think it is either normal or healthy to consume so much trauma and as someone who used to have PTSD, I am very conscious of that. I know people say “if you can avoid the news, you have the privilege to not be affected by that” and it’s not that. I am TOO affected by it and I avoid it because I am of NO USE to anyone if I am dysregulated, overwhelmed and too traumatised to function. Even the pictures on the news keep me up at night. Therefore I do not feel guilt about living my life like this. At the end of the day, a large portion of the news is out of our control and I like to focus on what is within my control so for example the earthquakes in Morocco I found out cause I was recently there so I think my dad told me first. Scrolling through pictures of the devastation doesn’t help anyone and it’s not within my control, what is within my control is I can donate to help so I do that. Another thing with the news is boundaries so learning to not feel the feelings of the stories you are reading. And on a day to day thing, I try to pay more attention to the good in humanity cause tbh I am too paranoid and safety-conscious already and I do find it easier on how many awful things happen in humanity. Hope that helps! Xx
Hi Michelle. I have a student loan I’m paying off and I recently decided to start paying off more so I’m done much quicker. This means cutting a lot of my spending. I still want to go on dates without it costing me money. Do you have ideas about the kinds of dates I could be going on? (Activities) And should be open about my debt to the person I’m dating?
Well done on your dedication to paying off your debt! During the pandemic, I loved going on walking first dates, I actually think it would airs a lot of pressure off because you can look forward when you walking and therefore people can feel they can be more open. Further into dating, I loved cooking dates and board games - you already have to cook dinner and eat and you already own board games. Another fun thing if you want something more intimate is there is a viral experiment that you can Google about 36 questions to fall in love. I use the card game We Are Not Strangers but the free equivalent are those questions and you can get them online from The New Yorker. I would also look up things to do in your area from free museums to food markets. In terms of telling them, from your wording and phrasing, you make it sound like a negative to have debt but actually I see it as a positive because you don’t just have debt, you are paying it off. That requires determination, dedication and focus and therefore it’s not something you have to warn someone about or give a disclaimer about. If you would feel more comfortable telling them, then do so but make sure you are doing it for you and not because you feel like you owe them that explanation. As an example, on a second date, it is irrelevant how much debt a person has because you still haven’t discovered how they communicate, their whole personality or whether you are sexually compatible.
Hi Michelle! My question is, as a life coach, is there an ethical standard that you don’t work with friends or have personal relationships with clients like there is with traditional therapy? Is that different after you stop working with somebody? I’m curious because I often wish I could be friends with my therapist but I also know that our relationship is one sided and that there’s probably transference there because I don’t know him personally.
Hey! Thanks for your question. First up, life coaches, psychologists and therapists all operate differently. Life coaches are not a protected term, we don’t have a governing body and therefore there are no ‘rules’ for better or worse. In training as a life coach, and especially as a hypnotherapist, we got taught to not do any of it on friends and family but no one is checking up on that or ensuring that. I personally would not be friends, even if we stopped working together because there is a power imbalance and also, as you said, it starts off quite one sided as the life coach knows way more about you than others. I have also had one friendship that really struggled because she put me on a pedestal because I was a life coach. Even without being her life coach, she would never be able to accept my opinion as simply that because she always felt like what I said was correct so she’d have to convince me and that’s not the dynamic of friendship. Saying all of that, it’s completely understandable to have feelings for your life coach, I love my own life coach and I have often worried about her like a loved one but there is a separation. To want to be friends though is a normal feeling and a great sign of a good match and whilst you can’t be friends, it has taught me so much about relationships to have a reliable, compassionate person who is there no matter what happens. Also I do know life coaches who have become friends after they stop working together - it works for them, it wouldn’t for me!
I’ve recently been having a lot of trouble with my supervisor. She is a super micro manager and is over working the entire team I work with. To give you some context, this supervisor has been in this position previously, was moved to another position for about 2 years, and then came back to this current position.
That being said, it’s not a new position to her, but things have changed a bit since she was last here. Our previous supervisor did a great job of filtering workflow and communicating with the team.
Now, this supervisor has come back and has not given any expectations and demands we keep up with the extra work she throws on us. She is not a good communicator, and seems to be an “iron fist” ruler without consideration.
When we have had work evaluations and case reviews, she gives feedback in a way that is quite condescending and critical, while never giving kudos or positive feedback. When I have felt her expectations are unreasonable, I have professionally stood my ground and explained why a task simply could not be done in her time frame. She doesn’t seem to care or consider it. She merely states that unless I figure it out, my workload will continue to grow.
In addition to work load, when any coworkers ask for time off, she gives a hard time (yet takes whatever time she wants) and then never gives an answer as to wether we can actually have the day or not. This leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
I am so desperately trying to maintain proper work boundaries, but being seen as a slack or poor at my job is certainly a trigger point for me. I’m struggling to manage those boundaries while also keeping my professionalism.
Thank you all so much for the wonderful questions - I loved the diversity in the questions too! This is honestly one of my favourite features mainly cause I love that a lot of the same people show up so it’s like a small community forming 🥰
If you are reading this as a free subscriber and want to join in and ask your own question next month, then make sure you upgrade to paid before 1st November ☺️
Do you know EMDR and would you recommend it?
I have and I do! I am very pro therapy practices that exist outside of talking therapy and think that the more options the better! There are many different forms so figure out what works for you and some come under different names so the one I use that is a version of it is called Havening, some people call EMDR ‘tapping’ or EFT or RRT. They are all slightly different. In my mind they are all under the umbrella of hypnotherapy but that’s probably because I’m trained as a hypnotherapist and therefore I know it involves a component of trance. I think much more than what the label is, find a practitioner that resonates with you and if you are unsure, ask to speak to them on the phone. Most will do that for free before charging for a session so you can ask about the process and questions like how many sessions you will need xx
Hi Michelle!
I've met a new guy recently and we hit it off instantly. Great chemistry. At first he was giving me a lot of affection and attention. Then he started having less time for me. He said it was because of the new job he got and it was stressing him out to the point that he wanted to be left alone. After reading The Selfish Romantic, I know that we are still basically strangers and I have to earn higher rank in his priorities. I wasn't chasing after him, gave him space. I even communicated that if it isn't a good time for as dating, I will understand and can let him off the hook. But then he said he's very much into me and want to keep to get knowing him. How can I built relation with him if we don't have much time for each other (mostly on his part)? I don't mind taking thing slow but if our communication is a handful of texts a day and dates very far in between can we built something real?
Hey Monika,
I think you need to know where your limits are and when your needs aren’t being met. I love love love the communication and that you asked him if it was a bad time to date - I would have done the same! When you have figured out your needs, I would then set that boundary. “I understand you are busy but for me to stay interested, I need a date at least every two weeks”. You can change this to suit you so maybe it’s a phone call on the weeks you didn’t have time for a date or suggesting ways to make the dates less effort but let him do the work to find a solution so for example “hey! I know you are very stressed at the moment, is there a way for us to go on a more relaxed date?”. I did the same a few months in, when our dates dropped from once a week to once every two weeks. This would happen because the weekends we saw friends we wouldn’t see each other so I voiced that - “Hey! I have noticed that we have fallen into a pattern where it feels like we have to choose between time together and time with our friends. At the moment we are only seeing each other twice a month and that doesn’t work for me. I need to us to be seeing each other every week at the very least”. At the time, my boyfriend even disagreed but the behaviour change occurred and we never missed a week after that. Leave the ball in his court, make him come up with the solution and ultimately, even if he says he has time to date but his behaviour says otherwise, then that’s what you make your decision on xx
That's exactly what I'm going to do. Thank you for reassuring me.
Took your advice to the letter and when I realized his giving me to little to create a bond I shot him a text: Hey! I need more attention and more frequent dates to stay interested. Now doesn't seem like a good time for us to date. I wish you the best with your new job and no hard feelings x
Hi! My question is about trust when dating, some people talk about how trust is earned, but don’t say how and others say to give it freely and then remove it when it’s broken. Do you have any tips/advice for building trust?
Hey Molly! My favourite analogy is Brene Brown’s one about the marble jar because it’s the most in the middle of the road and not extreme like both those routes. She said over time people earn trust by caring about you, being there for you and showing up. She uses the example from her child who said that something that earned a marble for her was a friend remembered her grandparents name because that was important to her cause her grandparents are important to her. Over time, you get more marbles in the jar but let’s say they tell a secret that you want to keep confidential then you remove marbles from the jar. For me, things that happened in early dating and earned my trust was on the first date, I mentioned I had a funeral I need to go to in a few weeks but said I didn’t want to talk about it (it was something that was in the context of what I was saying), my now boyfriend displayed compassion but also didn’t pry or cross my boundaries. Marble in the jar! More trust to tell him vulnerable information! When that funeral came around, he surprised me and turned up at my door because he thought I might need a hug. I did! To me, it displayed emotional intelligence and the capacity to hold space when I was feeling my feelings. A marble in the jar! As you can see, what is important to me is largely around connection and vulnerability but what’s important to you might differ. Look back on past experiences and think about small moments when you felt like you could open up more, or felt safe around a person or knew they would turn up when they said they weren’t! Those are the building blocks of trust xx
Hey Michelle :)
I feel a little weighed down by the world lately and was wondering how you manage being well informed and engaged in politics/advocacy, while not getting depressed?
The backlash to the Russell Brand documentary and the misogyny everywhere, Chris Packham’s recent documentary on the world burning, Elianne Andam the teenage girl is the most recent to loose her life to violence in the street... it feels like it never gets better! I used to write through my feelings a lot but I almost feel too overwhelmed with the negativity to get anything down on paper. So, I suppose my follow up question which is a bit more specific would be, as a writer how do you keep direction and purpose and avoid feeling so overwhelmed (with negativity, research, your own thoughts) you freeze?
💛
Hey Kim!
This might be a shock but I actually do many things to actively avoid the news. If something I need to know happens, I always find out through social media. On Instagram, I follow a lot of social political accounts and tiktok, it lands on my newsfeed. I also have a VERY informed boyfriend so he tends to tell me things I need to know. I get enough throughout my day that I don’t want to be seeking it out so here’s how I do it. I don’t have any news apps, if you do, at least turn off the notifications because BREAKING NEWS will spike your cortisol (stress hormone) and I will say the bar for breaking news seems to be quite low from the notifications I have seen. What I do consume is The View on YouTube every night which is the only news thing but they do it in a chatty, casual way and I genuinely watch it for enjoyment. It does mean I’m more informed about America than anywhere else. Outside of that, I actively avoid it. I do not think it is either normal or healthy to consume so much trauma and as someone who used to have PTSD, I am very conscious of that. I know people say “if you can avoid the news, you have the privilege to not be affected by that” and it’s not that. I am TOO affected by it and I avoid it because I am of NO USE to anyone if I am dysregulated, overwhelmed and too traumatised to function. Even the pictures on the news keep me up at night. Therefore I do not feel guilt about living my life like this. At the end of the day, a large portion of the news is out of our control and I like to focus on what is within my control so for example the earthquakes in Morocco I found out cause I was recently there so I think my dad told me first. Scrolling through pictures of the devastation doesn’t help anyone and it’s not within my control, what is within my control is I can donate to help so I do that. Another thing with the news is boundaries so learning to not feel the feelings of the stories you are reading. And on a day to day thing, I try to pay more attention to the good in humanity cause tbh I am too paranoid and safety-conscious already and I do find it easier on how many awful things happen in humanity. Hope that helps! Xx
Hi Michelle. I have a student loan I’m paying off and I recently decided to start paying off more so I’m done much quicker. This means cutting a lot of my spending. I still want to go on dates without it costing me money. Do you have ideas about the kinds of dates I could be going on? (Activities) And should be open about my debt to the person I’m dating?
Hey Sanne,
Well done on your dedication to paying off your debt! During the pandemic, I loved going on walking first dates, I actually think it would airs a lot of pressure off because you can look forward when you walking and therefore people can feel they can be more open. Further into dating, I loved cooking dates and board games - you already have to cook dinner and eat and you already own board games. Another fun thing if you want something more intimate is there is a viral experiment that you can Google about 36 questions to fall in love. I use the card game We Are Not Strangers but the free equivalent are those questions and you can get them online from The New Yorker. I would also look up things to do in your area from free museums to food markets. In terms of telling them, from your wording and phrasing, you make it sound like a negative to have debt but actually I see it as a positive because you don’t just have debt, you are paying it off. That requires determination, dedication and focus and therefore it’s not something you have to warn someone about or give a disclaimer about. If you would feel more comfortable telling them, then do so but make sure you are doing it for you and not because you feel like you owe them that explanation. As an example, on a second date, it is irrelevant how much debt a person has because you still haven’t discovered how they communicate, their whole personality or whether you are sexually compatible.
M xx
Thank you! 🩷
Hi Michelle! My question is, as a life coach, is there an ethical standard that you don’t work with friends or have personal relationships with clients like there is with traditional therapy? Is that different after you stop working with somebody? I’m curious because I often wish I could be friends with my therapist but I also know that our relationship is one sided and that there’s probably transference there because I don’t know him personally.
Hey! Thanks for your question. First up, life coaches, psychologists and therapists all operate differently. Life coaches are not a protected term, we don’t have a governing body and therefore there are no ‘rules’ for better or worse. In training as a life coach, and especially as a hypnotherapist, we got taught to not do any of it on friends and family but no one is checking up on that or ensuring that. I personally would not be friends, even if we stopped working together because there is a power imbalance and also, as you said, it starts off quite one sided as the life coach knows way more about you than others. I have also had one friendship that really struggled because she put me on a pedestal because I was a life coach. Even without being her life coach, she would never be able to accept my opinion as simply that because she always felt like what I said was correct so she’d have to convince me and that’s not the dynamic of friendship. Saying all of that, it’s completely understandable to have feelings for your life coach, I love my own life coach and I have often worried about her like a loved one but there is a separation. To want to be friends though is a normal feeling and a great sign of a good match and whilst you can’t be friends, it has taught me so much about relationships to have a reliable, compassionate person who is there no matter what happens. Also I do know life coaches who have become friends after they stop working together - it works for them, it wouldn’t for me!
Hi Michelle!
I’ve recently been having a lot of trouble with my supervisor. She is a super micro manager and is over working the entire team I work with. To give you some context, this supervisor has been in this position previously, was moved to another position for about 2 years, and then came back to this current position.
That being said, it’s not a new position to her, but things have changed a bit since she was last here. Our previous supervisor did a great job of filtering workflow and communicating with the team.
Now, this supervisor has come back and has not given any expectations and demands we keep up with the extra work she throws on us. She is not a good communicator, and seems to be an “iron fist” ruler without consideration.
When we have had work evaluations and case reviews, she gives feedback in a way that is quite condescending and critical, while never giving kudos or positive feedback. When I have felt her expectations are unreasonable, I have professionally stood my ground and explained why a task simply could not be done in her time frame. She doesn’t seem to care or consider it. She merely states that unless I figure it out, my workload will continue to grow.
In addition to work load, when any coworkers ask for time off, she gives a hard time (yet takes whatever time she wants) and then never gives an answer as to wether we can actually have the day or not. This leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
I am so desperately trying to maintain proper work boundaries, but being seen as a slack or poor at my job is certainly a trigger point for me. I’m struggling to manage those boundaries while also keeping my professionalism.
Sorry this question is long winded and late.
Thank you so much. ♥️