And why ultimatums don't work!
I remember watching series 1 of the ultimatum, and the couple that stayed together and had a baby was clearly an abusive and very unhealthy relationship which I really struggled to watch because of my own personal situation.
It’s great to have shows that involve real people and real lives (all be it still produced and edited) but I really worry how shows like this promote and glorify unhealthy romantic relationships!
This was such a great article for me as a reminder. I have an ongoing strained relationship with my mother. I’ve set a lot of boundaries with her over the last few years, and I feel like and it’s been very productive for my own mental health and healing. However, my mom does not like the boundaries and has faced some of the consequences of her not respecting
Over the last year, one of the boundaries I have enacted is not allowing deep, emotional, or reminiscent conversation unless she gives therapy a try. This became a boundary because we would try to have a deep conversation, some about hurtful events that happened throughout my life, And they would end up being defensive, unproductive, and more hurtful. Over the last year, I have asked her to consider giving Therapy a try so that we both had support to work through our relationship.
I have worried constantly about if this boundary was unfair or an ultimatum. However, this article gave me some reassurance that this boundary is about me and my healing. She is not being cut off, we are just not allowed to have those intimate conversation if she chooses to not try. I will be healing on my own, no matter what, I have just invited her to be part of the process. I can’t force her to be a part of it and I have to be OK that she is choosing not to.
I’m reminded of Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend sharing the list of “boundaries” (ultimatums) he sent her. All of them about her general life and actions, not how she treated him. Most were about him clearly feeling insecure (surfing with men, “inappropriate” friendships with men, modeling, “sexy” social posts). He tries to sound supportive “if these things bring you happiness I support it” but it’s still either she stops doing all of these or they’re done. And again, none of them involve her treatment of him, and several of them just directly conflict with her career as a professional surfer. They would have all been reasonable individual conversations, starting with the phrase “I’m feeling insecure/uncomfortable about”.