I was having this conversation recently with my mum. I feel like I’m of the first generation in my family to have real choice - my mum had the choice to have a family or go to work etc etc in theory but not really. She felt the pressure to have it all, retired 2 years ago and is still recovering (I think she will be for the next decade).
Whereas I’ve moved to the countryside, spend most of my time with my dog and read a lot, I love my job but it’s not a ‘high flyer’ super impressive on the outside role - it gives me the flexibility to take long walks at lunch time and make real food at home instead of living off sandwiches. I don’t feel pressured to find a partner or have a family, and I’ve never really had anyone ask me about it (I’m 32). I’m not sure if that’s because of the vibe I give off or because I’ve managed to surround myself with the right people who know it’s not an appropriate question. I have plenty of personal and professional goals but none of them come before my health and happiness, and I find happiness in my lengthy dog walks and slow cups of coffee in the morning.
For me, ‘having it all’ has to include choice. I can have anything I want, including the choice to say no.
The interesting thing is that men also can't "have it all". They can be successful at work but that means they won't be as involved in their family life, won't have such a rich social life etc. Unless of course, they create boundaries and are prepared to lose jobs or other opportunities over this. But then again, not "it all".
Men aren't the default (but that's kind of another story) and they sure as hell aren't some kind of superhumans who can have it all. Yes, they can have a family and a career and are more likely than women to have both (patriarchy, yey!), but it's not like that they can have that hot shot high-paying manager job and still be there for their children every step of the way.
I love your writing here Michelle. I’ve actually just swapped from being full time to doing two part time roles and the mental freedom I feel from that has been incredible! I am also studying which takes up many of my weekends and evenings too. I hopefully finish in august and I can’t wait to have a slower pace! I’ve actually written a bucket list of things to enjoy once I’m done with it, which contains all the stuff I feel too busy for right now. I can’t wait!!
I’m doing everything in my power to create a more healthy work/life balance and I love that for me. Contentment for me is the ultimate goal
This could not be more timely - I have been giving a lot of thought to this topic over the last couple of years, and I'm now at a point of making some decisions. The idea of work becoming one's identity as such a major issue for me, and one that is very hard to break out of, especially in the context of 'hustle culture', certain kinds of upbringings (such as those labelled 'high achievers'), and to be honest, capitalism.
I think the received wisdom is that there is a notional ladder in life, and that the goal is to get as close to the top as possible - be the 'best'. Get the 'best' job, the 'best' house etc. In reality, this is all just a conceit - what is 'best' for one person is not so for another. Yet the notion of this ladder structure and one thing being objectively 'better' than another pushes us into that way of thinking. It puts people in a hierarchy that is neither real nor helpful. To a large extent, it indicates that a CEO is 'better' than a janitor, when in fact they are different skillsets that can't really be compared. It seems commonplace to justify this hierarchical thinking by saying that the janitor cannot do the things the CEO can so. And this may well be true. However, whether the CEO can do the things the janitor can tends not to be considered. This is a gaping oversight in considering matters of 'best', and appears more based on who happens to have the higher salary than anything else (whether that high salary is justified may be a question for another day!)
The ladder's only real effect is to make people feel that they have to try to reach the top, even if doing so is completely deleterious for them (and their family/community). I'm reaching the point where I think rejecting the ladder idea, and the grind, is a radical act - saying that you would prefer a quieter life, perhaps with less money but also with less cost to one's mind and body, is truly shocking to many people. It is time that changes.
Thank you for this! This year has given me the opportunity to transition into a new role personally, and that has fully crystallized for me how silly (and unhelpful) the "having it all" myth is. We're all just making choices. That's it. Nobody is doing everything all at once, and priorities sometimes involve sacrifice. A more helpful way to shift the broader discussion would be to figure out how to even the playing field - with things like accessible, affordable childcare - so more people actually have the opportunity to make the choices that best suit their life. But that's doesn't make as snappy of a headline!
Hustle culture made me link my self-worth with how busy, productive and successful I am. I had to reach the point of a mental breakdown to learn that it is important and okay to rest. Now I enjoy the slow life.
I was having this conversation recently with my mum. I feel like I’m of the first generation in my family to have real choice - my mum had the choice to have a family or go to work etc etc in theory but not really. She felt the pressure to have it all, retired 2 years ago and is still recovering (I think she will be for the next decade).
Whereas I’ve moved to the countryside, spend most of my time with my dog and read a lot, I love my job but it’s not a ‘high flyer’ super impressive on the outside role - it gives me the flexibility to take long walks at lunch time and make real food at home instead of living off sandwiches. I don’t feel pressured to find a partner or have a family, and I’ve never really had anyone ask me about it (I’m 32). I’m not sure if that’s because of the vibe I give off or because I’ve managed to surround myself with the right people who know it’s not an appropriate question. I have plenty of personal and professional goals but none of them come before my health and happiness, and I find happiness in my lengthy dog walks and slow cups of coffee in the morning.
For me, ‘having it all’ has to include choice. I can have anything I want, including the choice to say no.
The interesting thing is that men also can't "have it all". They can be successful at work but that means they won't be as involved in their family life, won't have such a rich social life etc. Unless of course, they create boundaries and are prepared to lose jobs or other opportunities over this. But then again, not "it all".
Men aren't the default (but that's kind of another story) and they sure as hell aren't some kind of superhumans who can have it all. Yes, they can have a family and a career and are more likely than women to have both (patriarchy, yey!), but it's not like that they can have that hot shot high-paying manager job and still be there for their children every step of the way.
I love your writing here Michelle. I’ve actually just swapped from being full time to doing two part time roles and the mental freedom I feel from that has been incredible! I am also studying which takes up many of my weekends and evenings too. I hopefully finish in august and I can’t wait to have a slower pace! I’ve actually written a bucket list of things to enjoy once I’m done with it, which contains all the stuff I feel too busy for right now. I can’t wait!!
I’m doing everything in my power to create a more healthy work/life balance and I love that for me. Contentment for me is the ultimate goal
This could not be more timely - I have been giving a lot of thought to this topic over the last couple of years, and I'm now at a point of making some decisions. The idea of work becoming one's identity as such a major issue for me, and one that is very hard to break out of, especially in the context of 'hustle culture', certain kinds of upbringings (such as those labelled 'high achievers'), and to be honest, capitalism.
I think the received wisdom is that there is a notional ladder in life, and that the goal is to get as close to the top as possible - be the 'best'. Get the 'best' job, the 'best' house etc. In reality, this is all just a conceit - what is 'best' for one person is not so for another. Yet the notion of this ladder structure and one thing being objectively 'better' than another pushes us into that way of thinking. It puts people in a hierarchy that is neither real nor helpful. To a large extent, it indicates that a CEO is 'better' than a janitor, when in fact they are different skillsets that can't really be compared. It seems commonplace to justify this hierarchical thinking by saying that the janitor cannot do the things the CEO can so. And this may well be true. However, whether the CEO can do the things the janitor can tends not to be considered. This is a gaping oversight in considering matters of 'best', and appears more based on who happens to have the higher salary than anything else (whether that high salary is justified may be a question for another day!)
The ladder's only real effect is to make people feel that they have to try to reach the top, even if doing so is completely deleterious for them (and their family/community). I'm reaching the point where I think rejecting the ladder idea, and the grind, is a radical act - saying that you would prefer a quieter life, perhaps with less money but also with less cost to one's mind and body, is truly shocking to many people. It is time that changes.
Thank you for this! This year has given me the opportunity to transition into a new role personally, and that has fully crystallized for me how silly (and unhelpful) the "having it all" myth is. We're all just making choices. That's it. Nobody is doing everything all at once, and priorities sometimes involve sacrifice. A more helpful way to shift the broader discussion would be to figure out how to even the playing field - with things like accessible, affordable childcare - so more people actually have the opportunity to make the choices that best suit their life. But that's doesn't make as snappy of a headline!
Hustle culture made me link my self-worth with how busy, productive and successful I am. I had to reach the point of a mental breakdown to learn that it is important and okay to rest. Now I enjoy the slow life.
Beautiful read Michelle
Yes! 🙌💖