Thank you so much for all the questions! This is the first AMA which I have kept for just paid subscribers and I would love to keep this as a perk for you lot. Free subscribers will be able to read the answers though! :) xxx
Any top tips on how to make the most of a holiday with friends, particularly considering how much we’ve all changed in the last 5 years. I have a chronic illness, one is a mum with a 1 year old in tow, another is bringing their partner, and it’s looking quite different from the party trips we had 5 years ago! I’m fairly good at doing my own thing and setting the boundaries I need to, but I know the others find it hard to do sometimes and I want to make sure they have the holiday they want as much as I will!
I would sit everyone down at the top of the holiday and say something along the lines of 'the only way this holiday is going to work is if everyone is very clear and straight forward about their needs. If you need or want to do something on this holiday, you need to say it and don't worry about hurting anyone else's feelings. If you vocalise it, we can then decide what we can do about that but we can't know your boundaries if you don't tell us'. If you can see someone is unhappy, a gentle nudge to be honest, might also help them open up. Other than that, I think going in with as little comparison to previous trips as possible and low expectations is always helpful. For you, have a list of things you absolutely 'must do' and make sure everyone else knows that and as I am typing this, I realised I have an article coming out about what boundaries to set with your friends travelling but it's coming out in August so might be a little too late!
My husband has recently been very focused on going to the gym and trying to lose weight. He doesn’t seem to have a complicated relationship with it like myself (I had disordered eating for most of my life). Him being so focused on what he eats and going to the gym to change his body has been very triggering for me. I know that my triggers are my own responsibility, but it has created a lot of noise in my brain. For example, I am suddenly very concerned that if I don’t follow suit, he will begin to find me unattractive (probably because I could see myself being judgmental like this). It is truly bringing out my insecurities and it really tempts me to reengage in those old behaviors.
Please help me set boundaries with myself. What he wants to do with his body is his business and I know this is something that I have to work through.
This is where I always use the advice 'do both!'. Absolutely, it is none of your business AND also, it's OK to ask for reassurance from your partner and talk to him about how it's been difficult for you and ask for the things that you need so that you can put your inner voice to rest. For example, when I was dating someone who was also on a diet, I would say 'can you just tell me that you wanting to lose weight doesn't mean you want me to lose weight? I know it doesn't but my disordered eating brain keeps telling me it does and it would just really help me to hear it from you'. When I did this, of course, he didn't just regurgitate what I had said, he actually put it in his own words and told me how beautiful he thought I was and that really helped. For you, maybe change it from 'losing weight' to 'losing attraction'. Another boundary I would ask for is to limit this kind of conversation so again, something like 'I know this is really important to you and do you have someone you can go to, to talk about your gym progress and weight loss conversations?'
Oh hello, my question is about handling boundaries with a jealous mom. I have quite a strained relationship with my mother. I’ve recently had to set some serious boundaries and as a final request, I asked if she would give therapy or counseling a try to help us mend our relationship (I’ve been in therapy myself for a few years). She has continually refused, and wants me to work on the relationship her way.
That being said, I am much closer to my dad and aunts. My mother is very jealous of this. She will take her jealousy out on my father or try to make me feel guilty when I spend time alone with other family members (and not with her).
I don't know the full context in this situation so a huge caveat before I answer. From your phrasing it makes me want to ask if you ever felt like you were a parentified child (a parent to your parent)? Or if you ever felt like you had to manage your parent's relationship. The reason why I want to ask this question is because it sounds like you bear a lot of responsibility for your father? When you say that she takes her jealousy out on your father, your father is an adult and fully capable of standing up for himself and if he chooses not to, that is on him and not on you. It is not your responsibility to manage his marriage for him and the relationship your parents have is a separate romantic relationship. In terms of the guilt, I want you to start seeing guilt as someone handing you a shopping bag (I usually imagine it full of poo because guilt feels rubbish, but imagine what you want). When you mum 'tries to make you feel guilty', you need to see that shopping bag and say no. No one can make you feel guilty, you only choose to accept the guilt. Guilt is an emotion designed for if you have done something wrong and there is nothing wrong about seeing your family members. When she guilts you, I would reiterate your previous boundary and state something like 'I am allowed to see my other family members and if you are upset that I want to spend more time with them than with you, then you know the steps you need to take in order for me to want to spend more time with you. You have chosen not to go to therapy with me and I accept that and now you need to accept the consequence of that'
Ooof thank you so much. Haha yes, It is a little difficult to explain, without Oversharing all of the circumstances. I don’t necessarily feel like I parented my parents, and they never speak to me about their relationship. It was more that I could observe the hateful remarks and things my mother did to my father, and it made me very protective of him. My dad would never lash out at my mother, or do anything spiteful to hurt her, yet she would always be mean for the sake of being mean because she was upset.
You are completely right about my dad, needing to stand up for himself and that being his choice. I have asked him before why he does not. He’s mentioned before that it’s not worth it and he can take it (which makes me more sad because you can tell how unhappy it makes him).
HAH bag o poo!
Thank you for the wonderful example quote. I’ve been wondering how to phrase it and that is PERFECT. I will keep it in my pocket so I can say it with confidence when I need it!
When it comes to matching with people, you need to be able to detach. You are seeing a profile, you do not know the person, you are only seeing what they want to present and therefore you can't actually know them well enough to 'like' them per se. The best way to avoid feeling rejection is stop watching your matches. Let them come in but if you don't pay as much attention to every person you swipe right on (in the way that you remember their name, face, details and profile), you can't keep count of who swiped no on you. We want to focus on the quality of matches, not the number of matches. The problem is when you so focused on each person you swipe right on, you start picturing a future or even a date together and imagining something that has not happened means you start getting feelings for the stage you are not at, and therefore when it doesn't pan out, those feelings of hurt are greater too because the feelings of attachment were more intense. I also have a whole chapter in my book The Selfish Romantic on this! And a whole section which is about four chapters on how to deal with emotions.
The replies are typed so there is no listening on this one :) I just reply between a certain hour so that people know they have time to send their question in for a few days before! I always publish this on a Friday and then I answer it on a Tuesday. Hope that helps!
Thank you so much for all the questions! This is the first AMA which I have kept for just paid subscribers and I would love to keep this as a perk for you lot. Free subscribers will be able to read the answers though! :) xxx
Any top tips on how to make the most of a holiday with friends, particularly considering how much we’ve all changed in the last 5 years. I have a chronic illness, one is a mum with a 1 year old in tow, another is bringing their partner, and it’s looking quite different from the party trips we had 5 years ago! I’m fairly good at doing my own thing and setting the boundaries I need to, but I know the others find it hard to do sometimes and I want to make sure they have the holiday they want as much as I will!
I would sit everyone down at the top of the holiday and say something along the lines of 'the only way this holiday is going to work is if everyone is very clear and straight forward about their needs. If you need or want to do something on this holiday, you need to say it and don't worry about hurting anyone else's feelings. If you vocalise it, we can then decide what we can do about that but we can't know your boundaries if you don't tell us'. If you can see someone is unhappy, a gentle nudge to be honest, might also help them open up. Other than that, I think going in with as little comparison to previous trips as possible and low expectations is always helpful. For you, have a list of things you absolutely 'must do' and make sure everyone else knows that and as I am typing this, I realised I have an article coming out about what boundaries to set with your friends travelling but it's coming out in August so might be a little too late!
My husband has recently been very focused on going to the gym and trying to lose weight. He doesn’t seem to have a complicated relationship with it like myself (I had disordered eating for most of my life). Him being so focused on what he eats and going to the gym to change his body has been very triggering for me. I know that my triggers are my own responsibility, but it has created a lot of noise in my brain. For example, I am suddenly very concerned that if I don’t follow suit, he will begin to find me unattractive (probably because I could see myself being judgmental like this). It is truly bringing out my insecurities and it really tempts me to reengage in those old behaviors.
Please help me set boundaries with myself. What he wants to do with his body is his business and I know this is something that I have to work through.
This is where I always use the advice 'do both!'. Absolutely, it is none of your business AND also, it's OK to ask for reassurance from your partner and talk to him about how it's been difficult for you and ask for the things that you need so that you can put your inner voice to rest. For example, when I was dating someone who was also on a diet, I would say 'can you just tell me that you wanting to lose weight doesn't mean you want me to lose weight? I know it doesn't but my disordered eating brain keeps telling me it does and it would just really help me to hear it from you'. When I did this, of course, he didn't just regurgitate what I had said, he actually put it in his own words and told me how beautiful he thought I was and that really helped. For you, maybe change it from 'losing weight' to 'losing attraction'. Another boundary I would ask for is to limit this kind of conversation so again, something like 'I know this is really important to you and do you have someone you can go to, to talk about your gym progress and weight loss conversations?'
Oh hello, my question is about handling boundaries with a jealous mom. I have quite a strained relationship with my mother. I’ve recently had to set some serious boundaries and as a final request, I asked if she would give therapy or counseling a try to help us mend our relationship (I’ve been in therapy myself for a few years). She has continually refused, and wants me to work on the relationship her way.
That being said, I am much closer to my dad and aunts. My mother is very jealous of this. She will take her jealousy out on my father or try to make me feel guilty when I spend time alone with other family members (and not with her).
I don't know the full context in this situation so a huge caveat before I answer. From your phrasing it makes me want to ask if you ever felt like you were a parentified child (a parent to your parent)? Or if you ever felt like you had to manage your parent's relationship. The reason why I want to ask this question is because it sounds like you bear a lot of responsibility for your father? When you say that she takes her jealousy out on your father, your father is an adult and fully capable of standing up for himself and if he chooses not to, that is on him and not on you. It is not your responsibility to manage his marriage for him and the relationship your parents have is a separate romantic relationship. In terms of the guilt, I want you to start seeing guilt as someone handing you a shopping bag (I usually imagine it full of poo because guilt feels rubbish, but imagine what you want). When you mum 'tries to make you feel guilty', you need to see that shopping bag and say no. No one can make you feel guilty, you only choose to accept the guilt. Guilt is an emotion designed for if you have done something wrong and there is nothing wrong about seeing your family members. When she guilts you, I would reiterate your previous boundary and state something like 'I am allowed to see my other family members and if you are upset that I want to spend more time with them than with you, then you know the steps you need to take in order for me to want to spend more time with you. You have chosen not to go to therapy with me and I accept that and now you need to accept the consequence of that'
Ooof thank you so much. Haha yes, It is a little difficult to explain, without Oversharing all of the circumstances. I don’t necessarily feel like I parented my parents, and they never speak to me about their relationship. It was more that I could observe the hateful remarks and things my mother did to my father, and it made me very protective of him. My dad would never lash out at my mother, or do anything spiteful to hurt her, yet she would always be mean for the sake of being mean because she was upset.
You are completely right about my dad, needing to stand up for himself and that being his choice. I have asked him before why he does not. He’s mentioned before that it’s not worth it and he can take it (which makes me more sad because you can tell how unhappy it makes him).
HAH bag o poo!
Thank you for the wonderful example quote. I’ve been wondering how to phrase it and that is PERFECT. I will keep it in my pocket so I can say it with confidence when I need it!
How do deal with emotions of dating apps and not getting matched with people that you may like or want to match with?
When it comes to matching with people, you need to be able to detach. You are seeing a profile, you do not know the person, you are only seeing what they want to present and therefore you can't actually know them well enough to 'like' them per se. The best way to avoid feeling rejection is stop watching your matches. Let them come in but if you don't pay as much attention to every person you swipe right on (in the way that you remember their name, face, details and profile), you can't keep count of who swiped no on you. We want to focus on the quality of matches, not the number of matches. The problem is when you so focused on each person you swipe right on, you start picturing a future or even a date together and imagining something that has not happened means you start getting feelings for the stage you are not at, and therefore when it doesn't pan out, those feelings of hurt are greater too because the feelings of attachment were more intense. I also have a whole chapter in my book The Selfish Romantic on this! And a whole section which is about four chapters on how to deal with emotions.
Thank you Michelle, I’ve just got your book, I’m too ahead of myself 😆❤️
Oh yay! Happy reading and hope it gives you all the answers you are looking for and you have a sneak peek in the meantime ;)
Looking forward to it! ❤️ Is that UK time?
Yes it is! 🩵
I really don't get how this app works 😅 where do we listen to you?
The replies are typed so there is no listening on this one :) I just reply between a certain hour so that people know they have time to send their question in for a few days before! I always publish this on a Friday and then I answer it on a Tuesday. Hope that helps!
Ohhhhh! 😅😅😅