In the past I did the exact thing that you did, Michelle. I brushed things under the carpet, took the blame and diminished my own needs and feelings, because I was afraid that once I start an argument, I would be a game over.
Currently I don't have a boyfriend but I have a very close male friend and our bond keeps getting closer and closer (and I definitely have romantic feelings towards him). What I've changed about our communication whilst there is a conflict is saying "when you do X, I feel Y". In the past when he crossed my boundary, instead of explaining and asking for a change in his behaviour, I made him feel like a bad guy. He told me that sometimes it felt as if I was condemning him as a person.
I was also guilty of throwing unsolicited advice at him everytime he had a hard time. It left him feeling like in my eyes he is incapable of dealing with his stuff on his own. Now I ask him if he wants to vents, needs some time alone, needs a distraction or should we brainstorm some solutions.
That changes really helped us communicate better and elevated our relation to another level.
What brilliant boundaries! And I love the XYZ model of communication too! Shows that even if it doesn’t evolve into something romantic, you can take the communication improvements and apply it to your whole life
And if that's all you are arguing about, I think it's pretty good going considering all the ways two humans could be incompatible in terms of values/morals! xx
When my now wife and I moved in together after a year of dating (this was 21 years ago), we definitely had housemate issues!! She had never ever had a roommate before, so there was a lot of turbulence (*love that word*) re expectations, sharing and balance. So glad we stuck with it. 20 years later we still have some disagreements about chores, but our relationship is incredibly strong.
In the past I did the exact thing that you did, Michelle. I brushed things under the carpet, took the blame and diminished my own needs and feelings, because I was afraid that once I start an argument, I would be a game over.
Currently I don't have a boyfriend but I have a very close male friend and our bond keeps getting closer and closer (and I definitely have romantic feelings towards him). What I've changed about our communication whilst there is a conflict is saying "when you do X, I feel Y". In the past when he crossed my boundary, instead of explaining and asking for a change in his behaviour, I made him feel like a bad guy. He told me that sometimes it felt as if I was condemning him as a person.
I was also guilty of throwing unsolicited advice at him everytime he had a hard time. It left him feeling like in my eyes he is incapable of dealing with his stuff on his own. Now I ask him if he wants to vents, needs some time alone, needs a distraction or should we brainstorm some solutions.
That changes really helped us communicate better and elevated our relation to another level.
What brilliant boundaries! And I love the XYZ model of communication too! Shows that even if it doesn’t evolve into something romantic, you can take the communication improvements and apply it to your whole life
Thank you 😊 I totally agree!
And if that's all you are arguing about, I think it's pretty good going considering all the ways two humans could be incompatible in terms of values/morals! xx
When my now wife and I moved in together after a year of dating (this was 21 years ago), we definitely had housemate issues!! She had never ever had a roommate before, so there was a lot of turbulence (*love that word*) re expectations, sharing and balance. So glad we stuck with it. 20 years later we still have some disagreements about chores, but our relationship is incredibly strong.