I started Hormone Replacement Therapy

HRT is a phrase I have only started hearing recently around improving the effects of menopause but I am personally learning that it is used for so much more and there is no shame in the hormone game

Hey darling ones,

January has whizzed by. The first month of the year tends to stereotypically be a slow one but I think since I am forcing myself to be a morning person with 7 am wake-ups and tucking myself in at 9pm (sometimes even 8pm!), my days feel shorter than they used to. It’s been a mixed bag overall so just like my life, this love letter is a mixed bag too. I’ve wanted to talk about HRT properly but it always feels like dangerous territory for a non-medical professional to talk about medical stuff because it’s so easy for you as the reader to think ‘will it work for me?’ so I’m taking advantage of the paid feature here on Substack and cautioning you to be sensible with the information I share because different bodies means different reactions and different treatments.

This week I am sharing with you:

• 5 Reasons why you might be picking a fight with your partner

• A basic but beautiful book on self care

• What I use to numb and how I am consciously changing that behaviour

• My favourite cake

• A fun London thing to do!

• A TV show I’m late to the party on!

• The one thing my life coach told me I need to do that would change my life the most

• A healthy habit I am loving

• For balance, a healthy habit that is flopping

• How adding Testosterone and Progesterone into my life has helped

• A new project that I’m working on

My Free Two Week Boundaries Bootcamp

Before we get properly stuck in, I just wanted to let you know that on Instagram and TikTok, I am doing a free two-week series called Boundaries Bootcamp where I’m going to show you how to stand up for yourself, say no and set better boundaries with daily videos. If you don’t follow me on either of those platforms, I wanted to let you know so you can go catch up on the last week of videos!

@michellelelmanWant better boundaries? We are going to get you there with a 14 day long bootcamp. We are going to address every single area of your life that needs more boundaries. No more waiting, let’s go. Let me show you how versatile’ That doesn’t work for me’ is: - A colleague wants you to do their job for them - Your co-parent wants to change the visitation schedule - A one night stand wants to go protection-free - Your friend expects you to pay hundreds of pounds upfront for their hen - A parent wants you to go for lunch because you are WFH This is the sentence in your life you need if you find the word ‘no’ just a little too abrupt. Although, I do highly recommend just once, trying to say ‘no’ and only no and letting the silence exist. Challenge yourself to use the sentence today and let me know what context you gave it a try in! Tune in for tomorrow! You’ve got this! Side note: I don’t think I’ve ever posted 3 days in a row, let alone 14 so wish me luck haha! This is what happens when I take a digital detox #boundaries #settingboundaries #boundaries101 #boundarysetting #datingboundaries #datingadvice

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Are You Picking A Fight?

We have all been there at some point and recently, I fell into this trap too. Here are the five main reasons why you could be bickering:

• Tit For Tat. Sometimes people pick fights to even the score. If you have complaints about me and my behaviour and I don't want to address that, picking a fight can serve as a great distraction to not take accountability for my actions and instead move the conversation onto your behaviour instead. The reality is this method means neither argument is resolved and the argument can feel endless if you are unable to deal with one issue at a time

• Your Upbringing. If you were brought up in a household where the loudest person or the most disruptive person gets the most attention, you quickly learn that if you want to feel seen and heard, then a fight is the way to do it. This will continue into adulthood and your romantic relationships if you don't recognise this behaviour.

• Confusing Intimacy For Intensity. If you have had a number of romantic relationships where fights were the only time you had a conversation, it can be really easy to confuse that as intimacy. Therefore when you would like more intimacy in your relationship, it also works the other way around. In order to change the dynamic, you need to recognise this pattern and instead ask for the intimacy you crave.

• You want to break up. When we do not feel valid enough in our reason to break up, starting a fight can seem like the easier way to create a get-out plan. It's a way that we unconsciously boost our validation around the fact that we are making the right decision, when the reality is they can still be a good person and there doesn't need to be anything particularly 'wrong' for them to not be a right match.

• Something sits underneath it. Sometimes we pick a fight over the washing up or the way they are eating because we don't want to talk about the bigger issue that sits underneath. The larger issue can seem more scary and daunting to address but the feelings surrounding that topic tend to manifest into small niggles and bickering until you are both ready to talk about what really is the problem.

For us it was the last one, and almost by magic, until we addressed the elephant in the room, the bickering stopped and we could actually sort the real issue.

Buy Yourself The Fucking Lillies By Tara Schuster

Another book that I screenshotted so can’t remember who recommended it and again, it was the title that got my attention. If you have followed me for a decent amount of time, you might have heard me say ‘Buy the damn flowers’, way before Miley Cyrus started singing ‘I can buy myself flowers’. I started saying this after a small but impactful moment when I bought myself flowers one day when I found myself disappointed that the guy I was seeing had never bought me flowers. You can’t expect someone to do for you what you have never done for yourself! I also realised that supermarket flowers are about £5 which can seem expensive until you consider how much you’ve spent on rubbish coffees (hot chocolates for me cause I don’t drink coffee). Anyway, I’m all for the unique self-care hacks and so when I like a title, I buy the book. I brought this on holiday but actually only finished it this week and here are my thoughts. If you have never read a self-love or self-care books, this is a great one to cover the basics. It was easy and enjoyable reading and it made me consider adding a few things to my routine like Morning Pages (write unconsciously for 3 pages of A4 every morning) - this lasted one day until I decided it wasn’t for me! It ultimately didn’t add anything to my routine but I am the kind of person who has probably read one too many self-help books. I agree though, buy yourself the fucking lilies!

What’s your weed?

One of the chapters that got my attention in Tara’s book was ‘what’s your weed?’. I had already decided this was the year that I decided to tackle my social media usage (some might say addiction) and stop using my job as an excuse to have awful boundaries with my phone (I have been caught scrolling on TikTok mindlessly at 2 am). I recognised that much like how some people use weed to numb, I use social media. If I’m having big feelings and they are too scary, it’s too easy to open social media and switch off for a while. So now everytime I open social media, I ask myself ‘what am I avoiding?’. Sometimes I am there to create content or to actually do something like get my insights for a job but most the time, I’m just like you and scrolling as a distraction. When I figure out what the feeling I’m trying to ignore is, I just sit there, no phone in hand, pay attention to the uncomfortable sensation in my body and breathe into it until the discomfort eases and dissipates. Note: it usually gets more painful for about a minute when you first put your attention on it before it disappears. And I’m actually loving using social media more intentionally - it’s done wonders for my brain!

Responding with Wisdom and Calm

My life coach Michelle Zelli is a very measured person and so when a sentence like ‘if you did one thing, it would change your life more than anything else’, it’s hard to not sit up and pay attention. Something that I do often, that creates a lot of problems in my life, is that I am a very reactive person. People say something or do something, and my body is fuelled with emotions and while that doesn’t usually translate to word spilling out of my mouth, my body is still raging and it consumers my day. Therefore the one thing she told me that I need to really focus on this year is responding with wisdom and calm. She’s right. It’s important to me that I get this under control because what I realise is I now have a post-it that sits on my computer screen that reads ‘Whatever comes my way, I respond with wisdom and calm’. This is definitely a ‘play the long game’ goal. I can’t reverse a key part of personality that has both dictated and destroyed my life at times but slowly, I’m improving! I got sent a really annoying email and when I showed my response to a friend later in the day, she said my response was understated so I’m counting that as a win!

Do You Know Where I Can Get Keuh Lapis In London?

All my Keuh Lapis is gone. That’s the update. My last remnant of Singapore was eaten and to be honest, it was a miracle it lasted as long as it did. If you don’t know what Keuh Lapis is, it’s basically sponge cake and is known as thousand layer cake because of it’s beige and brown stripes. It’s the only Asian dessert I like and I only discovered it later in life so the addiction is strong.

Silent Disco at Natural History Museum

For my 30th, my life coach Michelle Zelli bought me tickets for a silent disco at the Natural History Museum and I had the most fun I have had in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I stayed up until 3 am, let alone danced straight for 3 hours without even sitting down. The silent disco had three channels so you could change the song when it wasn’t your fave and that meant out of the whole three hours, there was only twice, I didn’t like a song on all three channels. Many times though, I found it so hard to pick one cause I was loving two at the same time. It was a night of One Direction, Taylor Swift and even Frozen and I couldn’t recommend it more. Before the night was over, I was already thinking of all the people I wanted to go with! Only bring people who you can fully get into it with and dance with no self-consciousness!

The Bear made me sob

I could not get into this show for the first two episodes and usually I quit if the first episode is no good but the long game is worth it on this one! We just finished season 2, largely because my boyfriend finds it very difficult to watch two episodes of the same show in a row (talk about opposites attract!) and so we had to watch it at the snail’s pace he likes. I immediately looked up when Season 3 starts and turns out we are in for a long wait. On the plus side, it means you have time to catch up on both seasons and join the wait with us!